identikit

huge poster of kurt cobain that i had hanging above my bed fell off in the middle of the night onto me terrifying experience i need to get him pregnant

"im not going to buy a record today" i say, walking into the record store (they had for emma forever ago i caved)

got my filthy hands on a typewriter... lets fuckingg go

ethel cain was right we need to bring back assassinations

lore:
-im kinda having a hard time rn tbh, i worked my break away and im burnt out and losing my sense of self and school's about to start back up and i'm not ready to be around everyone. i want to spend several months in a cabin in the woods and feel like a person again
-i am finding joy in my mornings tho. visited the railyard, its so cold out that most of the crows weren't out but there was one waiting for me and it was very excited as well.
-i finished my second book of See More the year, which was lapvona. i feel conflicted about this one. it's really bad in terms of the content itself. some parts feel like borderline torture porn, it feels like the author j went out of her way to make it as graphic and triggering as she could but i loved it, as someone who doesnt consider myself to be a fan of that sort of stuff. its so well written and the metaphors are awesome. it made me say "oh no" aloud countless times and iirc the only other book that made me react that way was lolita? with lolita tho i had to stop to process and shower at one point. w/ this i couldn't put it down, i finished it in like 3 days. it made me start listening to ethel cain again.
-my relationship w/ my parents has improved drastically which is cool they're p chill (also now kendall has to find smth else to harass me about other than "this is why your parents don't love you" haaa suck on that:p )
-for the first time in a rly long time im sorta figuring out that i kinda dont want to be w/ anybody rn. for years now ive sorta been trying to fill some void w/ a person, thinking that would solve my craving for validation. but idk i sorta just wanna make art and exist without having to put energy into that rn, if the right person came along i wouldn't be opposed but i dont j wanna date just for the sake of dating (why is it now that i keep pulling too ive got ppl on my line left n right and im not even seeking it out anymore jesus christ)

why is kendall still dming me on instagram

rediscovered bon iver, the lumineers, legend of zelda, and good mythical morning 2014 brea is going fuckking insane

recent adventures
-the sun came out for 2 days and it kinda fixed all my problems but now its cloudy so im sad again and also im so sore bc i worked out heavily yesterday
-been watching sunrises every morning which has been sooo awesome except i live in chicago so its horrible and cold out
-idk if ive posted ab them before but i befriended a murder of crows that lives in the freight yard they wait for me at the bridge every morning and i feed them peanuts and they've been letting See More me get prettyyy close lately
-on break which has been nice some time alone has been good for me but i also miss my friends
-making an effort to eat better (more fiber and protein + very little sugar except in the mornings bc i usually eat fruit yogurt and granola for breakfast) i feel sm better when i eat better:)
-been fond of making my own clothes
-mostly off my phone lately which is only a lil difficult when im not working bc its so cold i cant rly go out n do much
-been working a lot and its been chill since my boss is out of town. he usually schedules me for 9+ hour closing shifts alone w him (which makes me very uncomfortable ive mentioned this and also i dont get home til bedtime) but since hes gone hes only giving me 5 hour morning shifts which is perfect for me bc i get afternoons off

thrifted a pair of jadon max hardwaresfor 7 bucks earlier the thrift gods have smiled upon me

recent updates
-cleaned my room today (much needed)
-ive been taking a break from shows for a bit bc the last show i played smth made me rly upset and i ended up getting rly fuckked up in a park at 2 am which was not pleasant for me or anyone else around me probably
-my folks visited which was cool!!
-most of my friends went home for break which is cool (i rly needed a break from some ppl) but i also miss them
-seasonal depression has been hitting me p hard, i feel overwhelmed See More even tho nothing’s happening and everything pisses me off
-currently not very happy w my boss he made me mad the other day and i havent gotten over it
-got a sure shot z180u for xmas + some film!!!! (the ps35 i bought ended up being broken and i have to return it)
-found a gift card i thought was empty but it had like 80 bux on it (!!) so i spent most of it on the designer soldered cyber goth necklace from turkey ive been wanting but didnt wanna spend real money on

from a basement on a hill is genuinely some of elliott smiths best songwriting such an underrated album

listening to bladee in my cargo pants and converse w my bandana tied around my head i feel like the biggest douchebag in the world rn its awesome

i don’t like closing too much bc it gets dark at 4 here but i very much enjoy getting to clean the espresso machine. i enjoy the smell of cafeiza bc i am weird and also i get to take it apart and put it back together and its fun

my spotify top artists are atrocious rn im
embarrassed (the list consists of elliott smith, radiohead, various obscure shoegaze bands, mbv, and bladee)

yuh
-scored + acted in my first short film and i think i want to do that again sometime
-semester is over fuckking finally
-bff is gonna teach me how to skateboard
-bff also let me borrow her point and shoot n im ab to go buy film for that
-fuckked up my sleep schedule again so that kinda sucks but its also december in chicago we get like 3 seconds of daylight per day

ur name song wtf

https://open.spotify.com/track/48WjoS8xixdToSxYDujDmb?si=IaYdFmfNQluhzkYvh3Q4pw

good evening q nation currently can’t sleep bc i am on my period and painfully bloated i love it when my uterine lining grows wherever it wants #endometriosisgang