Voldemort's Birthday Party

Cakeness and Presentness

When Voldy closed the door and turned around, he saw Bellatrix and Barty consumed in a fierce scuffle, with Wormtail beating at their heads with an old pillow.
"Stop!" Voldy commanded. "Bellatrix, calm down. It's okay that Barty got me more presents than you did. And Wormtail, go get the cake. It's in the pantry on the left."
Bellatrix shot a nasty look at Barty, then turned to Voldy. "My apologies, my lord." she said.
"Now, when Wormy gets back we can have cake." Voldy instructed. "Then I can open my presents and after that we can play games."
"What sort of games?" asked Karkaroff.
"You will see." replied Voldemort.
Wormtail came shuffling back into the roof, the cake held in his silver hand.
"I'm glad to see it isn't rusty." Voldy observed. "I will reward you with one more crumb of cake than the others."
"Thank you, my lord." Wormtail said excitedly.
"And when I say a crumb, I mean a crumb. Literally. No metaphors or similes or whatever." Voldy added.
"Of course." Wormtail nodded. He set the cake on the table while Voldy magicked out some plates.
"Okay, everyone have a seat." said Voldy. "Fenrir at the bottom of the table-no, there-." Barty lit the black candles on the cake, which depicted Voldy shooting a green Avada Kedavra zap-ray at Harry, who was jolted over a cliff from the impact. Large red letters said "Evil Birthday, Lord Voldemort!"
"May I lead the song?" asked Bellatrix.
"Of course." answered Voldy.
"1..2..3! Evil Birthday to you, Evil Birthday to you, Evil Birthday Lord Voldy, Potter's dumb as a shoe!" they chorused.
Voldy then got out a machete and cut the cake into equal pieces (down to the last crumb, literally, except for Wormtail of course). One piece of cake had a human-flavor and a bone for Fenrir, but Snape almost took it. Fenrir snarled at him until Lucius slapped him with one of his new socks, but then Fenrir grabbed it and ate it.
"You have flavorful feet." Fenrir grinned.
"Oh be quiet." Lucius snapped, annoyed, complimented and offended to have a weird werewolf-dude with bad teeth steal his new sock.
"Ahem." said Voldemort.
"This cake is good." said Yaxley.
"That it is." Igor agreed.
"I've got the best piece." said Fenrir unpleasantly.
"My lord, why does this brute have to be here?" Lucius asked, avoiding a look at Fenrir.
"Because he promised me to brush and shower for once." Voldy told him. "The same with Snape. Your hair is really quite luscious and thick when it isn't matted down with three-years if no showers."
"Thanks." Snape said.
"Is everyone done with their cake?" asked Voldemort, looking around. They were. "Okay, now time for my presents!" he jumped up and headed for the moth-eaten couch room, magicking the plates clean. He sat on the couch and looked through the present pile.
"Please do mine first." Bellatrix said instantly.
"And mine second." added Barty.
"And mine third." said Wormtail.
Voldemort found Bellatrix's two presents and opened them. In the first was five, high-quality black robes, and in the second was a doll of Harry Potter, as well as a mustache.
"Thanks, Bellatrix." said Voldy.
"My apologies that I could not capture the real Potter." Bellatrix said. "But you can practice with pins and things on the doll."
Next Barty's presents. Voldy got out the three. In the first was a large jar of pickles, the second a toilet plunger, and the third a code telling where the Elder Wand was.
"Dumbledore died, did you hear? It was in the sixth book. It's all thanks to Snape here." Barty said. Snape smiled. "Although I died in the fourth book from a dementor, so goodness knows how I'm here." Barty continued thoughtfully.
"Oh be quiet." said Voldy. "The books are just all about 'Harry Potter' the 'Boy who SUCKS' and we are in a time warp where the books don't matter."
"Quite right." Barty agreed. "Oops, you said to be quiet."
Then there was Wormtail's presents. He had gotten Voldy some shampoo and conditioner for his mustache and a Firebolt #2 with a broomstick care kit.
Voldy got everything on his list in a way. He got the Potter doll and the code to the Elder Wand and Dumbledore.