my greatest loss is adrianne lenker i think i still absolutely love her + her music and her mind however the period where i was super super into her stuff was when i was w/ my last partner n i am still bitter ab that tbh lmao
identikit
it's not rly bitterness tho idk?? like its fine, im over her n i genuinely do hope she's well and stuff but that entire situation genuinely fcked me up so bad and i now have a tendency to put up walls w/ people so im not too clingy and idk who my friends really are and who's just either using or tolerating me
on February 01
on February 01
huge poster of kurt cobain that i had hanging above my bed fell off in the middle of the night onto me terrifying experience i need to get him pregnant
I dunno.. If he's prone to late night attacks now, them pregnancy hormones might make him fly off the handle
on January 30
on January 30
"im not going to buy a record today" i say, walking into the record store (they had for emma forever ago i caved)
on January 28
lore:
-im kinda having a hard time rn tbh, i worked my break away and im burnt out and losing my sense of self and school's about to start back up and i'm not ready to be around everyone. i want to spend several months in a cabin in the woods and feel like a person again
-i am finding joy in my mornings tho. visited the railyard, its so cold out that most of the crows weren't out but there was one waiting for me and it was very excited as well.
-i finished my second book of See More the year, which was lapvona. i feel conflicted about this one. it's really bad in terms of the content itself. some parts feel like borderline torture porn, it feels like the author j went out of her way to make it as graphic and triggering as she could but i loved it, as someone who doesnt consider myself to be a fan of that sort of stuff. its so well written and the metaphors are awesome. it made me say "oh no" aloud countless times and iirc the only other book that made me react that way was lolita? with lolita tho i had to stop to process and shower at one point. w/ this i couldn't put it down, i finished it in like 3 days. it made me start listening to ethel cain again.
-my relationship w/ my parents has improved drastically which is cool they're p chill (also now kendall has to find smth else to harass me about other than "this is why your parents don't love you" haaa suck on that:p )
-for the first time in a rly long time im sorta figuring out that i kinda dont want to be w/ anybody rn. for years now ive sorta been trying to fill some void w/ a person, thinking that would solve my craving for validation. but idk i sorta just wanna make art and exist without having to put energy into that rn, if the right person came along i wouldn't be opposed but i dont j wanna date just for the sake of dating (why is it now that i keep pulling too ive got ppl on my line left n right and im not even seeking it out anymore jesus christ)
-im kinda having a hard time rn tbh, i worked my break away and im burnt out and losing my sense of self and school's about to start back up and i'm not ready to be around everyone. i want to spend several months in a cabin in the woods and feel like a person again
-i am finding joy in my mornings tho. visited the railyard, its so cold out that most of the crows weren't out but there was one waiting for me and it was very excited as well.
-i finished my second book of See More the year, which was lapvona. i feel conflicted about this one. it's really bad in terms of the content itself. some parts feel like borderline torture porn, it feels like the author j went out of her way to make it as graphic and triggering as she could but i loved it, as someone who doesnt consider myself to be a fan of that sort of stuff. its so well written and the metaphors are awesome. it made me say "oh no" aloud countless times and iirc the only other book that made me react that way was lolita? with lolita tho i had to stop to process and shower at one point. w/ this i couldn't put it down, i finished it in like 3 days. it made me start listening to ethel cain again.
-my relationship w/ my parents has improved drastically which is cool they're p chill (also now kendall has to find smth else to harass me about other than "this is why your parents don't love you" haaa suck on that:p )
-for the first time in a rly long time im sorta figuring out that i kinda dont want to be w/ anybody rn. for years now ive sorta been trying to fill some void w/ a person, thinking that would solve my craving for validation. but idk i sorta just wanna make art and exist without having to put energy into that rn, if the right person came along i wouldn't be opposed but i dont j wanna date just for the sake of dating (why is it now that i keep pulling too ive got ppl on my line left n right and im not even seeking it out anymore jesus christ)
on January 19
why is kendall still dming me on instagram
@peach in not 100% positive but its 2 separate accounts telling me that i have no ass and curves and that nobody will ever love me bc i have bpd and tell ppl to kill themselves (which i haven't said to anyone apart from like my best friend, jokingly in literal years) n idk its all the same shit that kendall usually says so thats my guess
on January 16
actually what's funny ab it is that when was bigger in 2021 used to all be "omg ur fat hahahaha fatty mclardass" and then i changed up my lifestyle and dropped like 70 lbs and now i'm bilt like a stick figure and have no ass LMFAO honestly ate its funny
on January 16
im sorry i told you to kill yourself when i was like 16 or whatever it was that pissed u off so bad that you've been making burner accounts to call me fat for five years now ig
on January 16
on January 16
rediscovered bon iver, the lumineers, legend of zelda, and good mythical morning 2014 brea is going fuckking insane
on January 06
recent adventures
-the sun came out for 2 days and it kinda fixed all my problems but now its cloudy so im sad again and also im so sore bc i worked out heavily yesterday
-been watching sunrises every morning which has been sooo awesome except i live in chicago so its horrible and cold out
-idk if ive posted ab them before but i befriended a murder of crows that lives in the freight yard they wait for me at the bridge every morning and i feed them peanuts and they've been letting See More me get prettyyy close lately
-on break which has been nice some time alone has been good for me but i also miss my friends
-making an effort to eat better (more fiber and protein + very little sugar except in the mornings bc i usually eat fruit yogurt and granola for breakfast) i feel sm better when i eat better:)
-been fond of making my own clothes
-mostly off my phone lately which is only a lil difficult when im not working bc its so cold i cant rly go out n do much
-been working a lot and its been chill since my boss is out of town. he usually schedules me for 9+ hour closing shifts alone w him (which makes me very uncomfortable ive mentioned this and also i dont get home til bedtime) but since hes gone hes only giving me 5 hour morning shifts which is perfect for me bc i get afternoons off
-the sun came out for 2 days and it kinda fixed all my problems but now its cloudy so im sad again and also im so sore bc i worked out heavily yesterday
-been watching sunrises every morning which has been sooo awesome except i live in chicago so its horrible and cold out
-idk if ive posted ab them before but i befriended a murder of crows that lives in the freight yard they wait for me at the bridge every morning and i feed them peanuts and they've been letting See More me get prettyyy close lately
-on break which has been nice some time alone has been good for me but i also miss my friends
-making an effort to eat better (more fiber and protein + very little sugar except in the mornings bc i usually eat fruit yogurt and granola for breakfast) i feel sm better when i eat better:)
-been fond of making my own clothes
-mostly off my phone lately which is only a lil difficult when im not working bc its so cold i cant rly go out n do much
-been working a lot and its been chill since my boss is out of town. he usually schedules me for 9+ hour closing shifts alone w him (which makes me very uncomfortable ive mentioned this and also i dont get home til bedtime) but since hes gone hes only giving me 5 hour morning shifts which is perfect for me bc i get afternoons off
on January 05
thrifted a pair of jadon max hardwaresfor 7 bucks earlier the thrift gods have smiled upon me
these boots literally sell for 200-400 dollars (granted these ones do have some damage but its nothing that makes them unwearable)
on December 31, 2024
on December 31, 2024
recent updates
-cleaned my room today (much needed)
-ive been taking a break from shows for a bit bc the last show i played smth made me rly upset and i ended up getting rly fuckked up in a park at 2 am which was not pleasant for me or anyone else around me probably
-my folks visited which was cool!!
-most of my friends went home for break which is cool (i rly needed a break from some ppl) but i also miss them
-seasonal depression has been hitting me p hard, i feel overwhelmed See More even tho nothing’s happening and everything pisses me off
-currently not very happy w my boss he made me mad the other day and i havent gotten over it
-got a sure shot z180u for xmas + some film!!!! (the ps35 i bought ended up being broken and i have to return it)
-found a gift card i thought was empty but it had like 80 bux on it (!!) so i spent most of it on the designer soldered cyber goth necklace from turkey ive been wanting but didnt wanna spend real money on
-cleaned my room today (much needed)
-ive been taking a break from shows for a bit bc the last show i played smth made me rly upset and i ended up getting rly fuckked up in a park at 2 am which was not pleasant for me or anyone else around me probably
-my folks visited which was cool!!
-most of my friends went home for break which is cool (i rly needed a break from some ppl) but i also miss them
-seasonal depression has been hitting me p hard, i feel overwhelmed See More even tho nothing’s happening and everything pisses me off
-currently not very happy w my boss he made me mad the other day and i havent gotten over it
-got a sure shot z180u for xmas + some film!!!! (the ps35 i bought ended up being broken and i have to return it)
-found a gift card i thought was empty but it had like 80 bux on it (!!) so i spent most of it on the designer soldered cyber goth necklace from turkey ive been wanting but didnt wanna spend real money on
on December 30, 2024
from a basement on a hill is genuinely some of elliott smiths best songwriting such an underrated album
on December 25, 2024
listening to bladee in my cargo pants and converse w my bandana tied around my head i feel like the biggest douchebag in the world rn its awesome
on December 23, 2024
i don’t like closing too much bc it gets dark at 4 here but i very much enjoy getting to clean the espresso machine. i enjoy the smell of cafeiza bc i am weird and also i get to take it apart and put it back together and its fun
on December 20, 2024
my spotify top artists are atrocious rn im
embarrassed (the list consists of elliott smith, radiohead, various obscure shoegaze bands, mbv, and bladee)
embarrassed (the list consists of elliott smith, radiohead, various obscure shoegaze bands, mbv, and bladee)
so basically men whining, noise, and a white boy rapper. im a functioning member of society
on December 16, 2024
on December 16, 2024
yuh
-scored + acted in my first short film and i think i want to do that again sometime
-semester is over fuckking finally
-bff is gonna teach me how to skateboard
-bff also let me borrow her point and shoot n im ab to go buy film for that
-fuckked up my sleep schedule again so that kinda sucks but its also december in chicago we get like 3 seconds of daylight per day
-scored + acted in my first short film and i think i want to do that again sometime
-semester is over fuckking finally
-bff is gonna teach me how to skateboard
-bff also let me borrow her point and shoot n im ab to go buy film for that
-fuckked up my sleep schedule again so that kinda sucks but its also december in chicago we get like 3 seconds of daylight per day
update i bought my own point and shoot so alice can have hers back as soon as i use up the film i put in
on December 16, 2024
on December 14, 2024