I just remembered that I'm also six weeks clean today. I'm kind of proud of myself, because I had a lot of self harm urges last week because of everything that happened to me, but I managed not to do it. ?
on March 02, 2016
on March 01, 2016
Oh my gosh.
One of my favourite Mika fan artists just sent me so many long messages on Twitter telling me that she loves me and that she really wanted me to be happy. She told me that she wished I would stop self harming, and she also gave me some advice. Then she sent me some drawings that she did of Mika and I together, and one of me. She said that every time I wanted to hurt myself, I should look at the drawing of me with Mika and think about whether I want to hurt him by See More self harming. Then she said that whenever I feel ugly, I should look at the drawing of me and think about how I was the inspiration for a beautiful drawing.
I actually started crying really hard when I read the messages and saw the drawings, because this is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me or done for me.
One of my favourite Mika fan artists just sent me so many long messages on Twitter telling me that she loves me and that she really wanted me to be happy. She told me that she wished I would stop self harming, and she also gave me some advice. Then she sent me some drawings that she did of Mika and I together, and one of me. She said that every time I wanted to hurt myself, I should look at the drawing of me with Mika and think about whether I want to hurt him by See More self harming. Then she said that whenever I feel ugly, I should look at the drawing of me and think about how I was the inspiration for a beautiful drawing.
I actually started crying really hard when I read the messages and saw the drawings, because this is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me or done for me.
@StridersGonnaStride
That's why I don't self harm on my wrists, because I'm too scared of accidentally doing something that could be dangerous. :/
That's why I don't self harm on my wrists, because I'm too scared of accidentally doing something that could be dangerous. :/
on March 01, 2016
on March 01, 2016
@StridersGonnaStride
Yeah. And I kind of want to stop, but it's hard. And my scars fade after a few weeks.
Yeah. And I kind of want to stop, but it's hard. And my scars fade after a few weeks.
on March 01, 2016
on March 01, 2016
Today was both good and bad.
It was bad because this morning in form, I tripped over my school bag when I was giving a reply slip to the teacher, and Gymnastics Girl and Phone Girl laughed at me and kept saying things like, "I wish we could replay that." And in English, this boy who makes fun of me a lot kept throwing things at me and sarcastically telling people that I was his 'best friend'. And at the end of the lesson, my English teacher asked me if I had any friends in the See More class, and I said no, so I probably sounded really pathetic. TheDoctorsQueen is in my class, but I don't even count her as a friend anymore because she's always purposely doing things to upset me and she spends a lot more time with the popular people now and doesn't talk to me, even when we're sat together.
But it was good because of quite a few things. I got a level 7c on my RE essay, and I was really proud because I had worked so hard on it. I even did the extension task, which we weren't even expected to do, and I wrote five pages. I think I got one of the highest levels in the class, but I don't know because the teacher only had time to mark a few people's work. And in English, the teacher gave me a new book while she was handing out the books. That was really good, because I needed a new one but I couldn't ask the teacher for one. There was a new level written on my new book, and it was a 6a. I was really happy about that, because I was improving, and I was so worried that I was becoming bad at the one thing I'm good at. I was also the only person in the class that did any work in that lesson, and that made me feel proud, because I usually just don't do anything nowadays when the teachers aren't teaching us properly, and I have no motivation to do my work a lot of the time. I was proud of myself for starting to care about my work again and starting to try my best again, even though nobody really noticed it.
And all of the things that I was scared about turned out to be okay. I managed to find my Science class in the end, but before I found it, SkyDoesMinecraft Girl and I went into the wrong classroom by accident. We stayed in there for a while until someone came into the classroom and told us that we weren't in the right class. My new classroom isn't very nice, because it has a lot of bad people in it, and I don't think we'll learn a lot. But it's okay, I guess. And I managed to find my PE pants this morning, so I didn't get a detention for not bringing my full PE kit to school.
I thought today was going to be awful, but it was actually okay. ?
It was bad because this morning in form, I tripped over my school bag when I was giving a reply slip to the teacher, and Gymnastics Girl and Phone Girl laughed at me and kept saying things like, "I wish we could replay that." And in English, this boy who makes fun of me a lot kept throwing things at me and sarcastically telling people that I was his 'best friend'. And at the end of the lesson, my English teacher asked me if I had any friends in the See More class, and I said no, so I probably sounded really pathetic. TheDoctorsQueen is in my class, but I don't even count her as a friend anymore because she's always purposely doing things to upset me and she spends a lot more time with the popular people now and doesn't talk to me, even when we're sat together.
But it was good because of quite a few things. I got a level 7c on my RE essay, and I was really proud because I had worked so hard on it. I even did the extension task, which we weren't even expected to do, and I wrote five pages. I think I got one of the highest levels in the class, but I don't know because the teacher only had time to mark a few people's work. And in English, the teacher gave me a new book while she was handing out the books. That was really good, because I needed a new one but I couldn't ask the teacher for one. There was a new level written on my new book, and it was a 6a. I was really happy about that, because I was improving, and I was so worried that I was becoming bad at the one thing I'm good at. I was also the only person in the class that did any work in that lesson, and that made me feel proud, because I usually just don't do anything nowadays when the teachers aren't teaching us properly, and I have no motivation to do my work a lot of the time. I was proud of myself for starting to care about my work again and starting to try my best again, even though nobody really noticed it.
And all of the things that I was scared about turned out to be okay. I managed to find my Science class in the end, but before I found it, SkyDoesMinecraft Girl and I went into the wrong classroom by accident. We stayed in there for a while until someone came into the classroom and told us that we weren't in the right class. My new classroom isn't very nice, because it has a lot of bad people in it, and I don't think we'll learn a lot. But it's okay, I guess. And I managed to find my PE pants this morning, so I didn't get a detention for not bringing my full PE kit to school.
I thought today was going to be awful, but it was actually okay. ?
@MobileDorkestra
No, because I didn't really have anything I wanted to talk to her about.
No, because I didn't really have anything I wanted to talk to her about.
on February 29, 2016
on February 29, 2016
And I just found out that I've lost my PE pants. And I have PE tomorrow.
Literally everything is going wrong at the moment, and it's horrible. :/
Literally everything is going wrong at the moment, and it's horrible. :/
on February 29, 2016
I just checked my timetable again, and apparently I have my Maths teacher for Science tomorrow in a different classroom. So I have two different teachers in two different classrooms, which is confusing, and I still don't know where I'm going. :/
on February 29, 2016
I just remembered something.
I'm going to move into my new Science class tomorrow, and I don't know where I'm going. When my teacher told me that I was moving down into a lower set, she said that I was going to be in her class again, but I got a new timetable after I was told about it, and it says that I'm with a different teacher. And it's not for the wrong class, because it says the name of my new class and not my old one. But my old class is going to be with that teacher, See More because the teachers switch classes every term.
So I don't know where I'm going, and I'm really worried. :/
I'm going to move into my new Science class tomorrow, and I don't know where I'm going. When my teacher told me that I was moving down into a lower set, she said that I was going to be in her class again, but I got a new timetable after I was told about it, and it says that I'm with a different teacher. And it's not for the wrong class, because it says the name of my new class and not my old one. But my old class is going to be with that teacher, See More because the teachers switch classes every term.
So I don't know where I'm going, and I'm really worried. :/
on February 29, 2016
I just got nominated for 'best edit account' by someone on Instagram giving out awards for Mika fan accounts, and nearly everyone in the comments voted for me and said they wanted me to win. It made me really happy, but I was kind of surprised because I didn't think anyone actually liked my edits. ??
on February 28, 2016
Mika: *releases a new song*
Me: *cries*
Mika: *posts a selfie*
Me: *cries*
Mika: *exists*
Me: *cries*
Me: *cries*
Mika: *posts a selfie*
Me: *cries*
Mika: *exists*
Me: *cries*
on February 27, 2016
Part 2 of today's post:
In Maths, I was talking to SkyDoesMinecraft Girl about something, and when I turned around to look at the teacher, she had put my name on the board and written that I had a C1 next to it. I was really upset, because I have never had a consequence in my life before. Everyone started laughing and making fun of me because of it, and I felt horrible. I actually nearly started crying, and I felt like a really bad person. SkyDoesMinecraft Girl asked the teacher See More why I was the only one with a C1, and she told her that she was talking as well and deserved one. The teacher put one on the board for her too, and then SkyDoesMinecraft Girl said that she should take all the blame for it so that she would leave me alone, which made me feel really guilty because she didn't have to do that. But the teacher said that she couldn't take the blame for it, and I just sat there and thought about how much of a failure I am.
I feel like I'm becoming a more horrible person every day, and I feel as if I've just stopped caring about everything. :/
In Maths, I was talking to SkyDoesMinecraft Girl about something, and when I turned around to look at the teacher, she had put my name on the board and written that I had a C1 next to it. I was really upset, because I have never had a consequence in my life before. Everyone started laughing and making fun of me because of it, and I felt horrible. I actually nearly started crying, and I felt like a really bad person. SkyDoesMinecraft Girl asked the teacher See More why I was the only one with a C1, and she told her that she was talking as well and deserved one. The teacher put one on the board for her too, and then SkyDoesMinecraft Girl said that she should take all the blame for it so that she would leave me alone, which made me feel really guilty because she didn't have to do that. But the teacher said that she couldn't take the blame for it, and I just sat there and thought about how much of a failure I am.
I feel like I'm becoming a more horrible person every day, and I feel as if I've just stopped caring about everything. :/
@jenesaispas
It's not a mark, though. It's what you get given before you get a detention, and then you get a detention if you don't stop misbehaving after getting a C1. It's supposed to be a verbal warning, but the teacher didn't even tell me not to talk or anything, so it doesn't really work. And I've never had a consequence before in my life, so it was quite See More shocking. And I'm worried that I'm becoming like people at school because of being around them for a long time and not caring about my future as much as I used to.
It's not a mark, though. It's what you get given before you get a detention, and then you get a detention if you don't stop misbehaving after getting a C1. It's supposed to be a verbal warning, but the teacher didn't even tell me not to talk or anything, so it doesn't really work. And I've never had a consequence before in my life, so it was quite See More shocking. And I'm worried that I'm becoming like people at school because of being around them for a long time and not caring about my future as much as I used to.
on February 26, 2016
on February 26, 2016
Part 1 of today's post:
Today was a bad day.
In Geography, we got to miss the lesson because a band had come into school to do some activities with us. Before we went into the Arts Theatre to watch them, I thought that they would just be performing for us, but when we went in I found out that we had to stand up and dance to their songs with them. When I sat down, the lead singer of the band was talking to everyone, and then he came over to me and fistbumped me and a few others. See More So I basically met a famous person, which is kind of cool. But everything that happened after that wasn't. The band made everyone dance while they performed some of their songs, and they said that if they saw anyone who wasn't dancing, they would make them stand in front of the whole year and dance. I was scared of them seeing that I wasn't dancing and making me do that, so I forced myself to dance with everyone else. I was really self conscious and anxious, because the dances we had to do were really embarrassing, and we had to do things like jumping up and down and doing the whip and nae nae dance. Also, Goldfish Girl and her friends were stood behind me and they were laughing and staring at me, which made it worse. When they had finished performing those songs, the lead singer started telling everyone a story about a fan that he saved the life of. He said that he saw her in the crowd at one of his concerts, and she wasn't dancing, so he brought her on stage and asked her what was wrong. Apparently she said that she was going to kill herself after the concert, but then she decided that she wasn't going to, and she showed him her scars and got her blades out of her pocket. I felt self conscious when the lead singer said this, because I felt like everyone knew that I self harmed and was looking at me, even though they didn't. Then he kept talking about self harm, and it was really quite triggering, to be honest. I actually almost cried, and I felt like I wanted to walk out, but I couldn't because people would stare at me and ask questions, and I'd get a detention. Then he said that some people in the room were probably struggling with self harm, and that made it even worse. I felt as if I was going to have a panic attack, but then he stopped talking about it and I managed to calm myself down. Then the band performed some more songs, and we had to dance to them again like we did before. That made me feel even worse, and when it was over, I felt awful. I was also relieved, because I was really embarrassed and upset and I wanted it to end.
Today was a bad day.
In Geography, we got to miss the lesson because a band had come into school to do some activities with us. Before we went into the Arts Theatre to watch them, I thought that they would just be performing for us, but when we went in I found out that we had to stand up and dance to their songs with them. When I sat down, the lead singer of the band was talking to everyone, and then he came over to me and fistbumped me and a few others. See More So I basically met a famous person, which is kind of cool. But everything that happened after that wasn't. The band made everyone dance while they performed some of their songs, and they said that if they saw anyone who wasn't dancing, they would make them stand in front of the whole year and dance. I was scared of them seeing that I wasn't dancing and making me do that, so I forced myself to dance with everyone else. I was really self conscious and anxious, because the dances we had to do were really embarrassing, and we had to do things like jumping up and down and doing the whip and nae nae dance. Also, Goldfish Girl and her friends were stood behind me and they were laughing and staring at me, which made it worse. When they had finished performing those songs, the lead singer started telling everyone a story about a fan that he saved the life of. He said that he saw her in the crowd at one of his concerts, and she wasn't dancing, so he brought her on stage and asked her what was wrong. Apparently she said that she was going to kill herself after the concert, but then she decided that she wasn't going to, and she showed him her scars and got her blades out of her pocket. I felt self conscious when the lead singer said this, because I felt like everyone knew that I self harmed and was looking at me, even though they didn't. Then he kept talking about self harm, and it was really quite triggering, to be honest. I actually almost cried, and I felt like I wanted to walk out, but I couldn't because people would stare at me and ask questions, and I'd get a detention. Then he said that some people in the room were probably struggling with self harm, and that made it even worse. I felt as if I was going to have a panic attack, but then he stopped talking about it and I managed to calm myself down. Then the band performed some more songs, and we had to dance to them again like we did before. That made me feel even worse, and when it was over, I felt awful. I was also relieved, because I was really embarrassed and upset and I wanted it to end.
@jenesaispas
But what I say is that things like that shouldn't be mentioned at school at all, because you don't know what other people could be going through, and even by just mentioning it, you could really upset someone. And people at school really don't care if someone self harms or not, because they always joke about it and say that they think it's pathetic. See More They know that people probably self harm, and they purposely try to trigger people because they find it funny. And people did pay attention to my dancing, because I was at the very front of the room and everyone could see me. They may have forgotten it, but it still made me feel bad. :/
But what I say is that things like that shouldn't be mentioned at school at all, because you don't know what other people could be going through, and even by just mentioning it, you could really upset someone. And people at school really don't care if someone self harms or not, because they always joke about it and say that they think it's pathetic. See More They know that people probably self harm, and they purposely try to trigger people because they find it funny. And people did pay attention to my dancing, because I was at the very front of the room and everyone could see me. They may have forgotten it, but it still made me feel bad. :/
on February 26, 2016
on February 26, 2016
I feel like my depression is getting a lot worse. I'm always feeling sad anyway, but it's been a lot worse lately. I think negatively about myself almost all the time, I'm a lot more anxious than usual, I have self harm urges a lot more often and I'm starting to have suicidal thoughts again.
And it's even worse because I literally don't have anyone to talk to about it. My fake friends in real life don't care, and even SkyDoesMinecraft Girl just says 'same' whenever I try to talk See More about my feelings, and I don't think she really understands. And I don't even have any internet friends anymore. None of them talk to me anymore, and they've all either left or just don't talk to me anymore because they have better people to talk to. I guess I still get one or two supportive comments on my posts, but they're not from people that actually talk to me or know me very well.
I used to get so many positive comments from so many people when I first started posting about my days, and now I don't, because people are probably just bored of me and don't care enough to help. I used to have internet friends that talked to me every single day and helped me through everything, and now I don't have anyone like that. I want to message all of the people that don't talk to me anymore, but I can't do that because I would feel like I'm bothering them and being annoying. They probably wouldn't even want to talk to me anyway.
I just feel awful at the moment, because I've been feeling horrible lately and I've realised that nobody actually does care. :/
And it's even worse because I literally don't have anyone to talk to about it. My fake friends in real life don't care, and even SkyDoesMinecraft Girl just says 'same' whenever I try to talk See More about my feelings, and I don't think she really understands. And I don't even have any internet friends anymore. None of them talk to me anymore, and they've all either left or just don't talk to me anymore because they have better people to talk to. I guess I still get one or two supportive comments on my posts, but they're not from people that actually talk to me or know me very well.
I used to get so many positive comments from so many people when I first started posting about my days, and now I don't, because people are probably just bored of me and don't care enough to help. I used to have internet friends that talked to me every single day and helped me through everything, and now I don't have anyone like that. I want to message all of the people that don't talk to me anymore, but I can't do that because I would feel like I'm bothering them and being annoying. They probably wouldn't even want to talk to me anyway.
I just feel awful at the moment, because I've been feeling horrible lately and I've realised that nobody actually does care. :/
@jenesaispas
Thanks. And feeling like you're bothering people is a symptom of anxiety, so that's probably why you feel like that too. And anything is okay, really, because I just kind of want people to acknowledge the fact that I'm feeling bad and try to help in any way.
Thanks. And feeling like you're bothering people is a symptom of anxiety, so that's probably why you feel like that too. And anything is okay, really, because I just kind of want people to acknowledge the fact that I'm feeling bad and try to help in any way.
on February 26, 2016
on February 26, 2016
on February 25, 2016
Today was okay, but in Science I found out that I have to move down into a class with people that make fun of me and we don't learn anything. :/
on February 25, 2016
Today was mostly okay, apart from a few things.
In English, everyone in the classroom was talking about a video on the internet that I'd never even heard of, and apparently it has a self harm joke in it. People kept repeating the joke and making jokes that were even more offensive, and it was really quite triggering. It made me feel sad, and kind of self concious, because I felt like everyone knew that I self harmed. It also upset me because a few months ago, people didn't joke See More about it, but now for some reason I hear people make jokes about it almost every day and it's just sickening. It's really not something to joke about, and as I always say, you especially shouldn't make fun of things like that in a place like a classroom, because you really don't know what the people around you are going through. It's just awful.
At lunch, TheDoctorsQueen told me that she had asked the teacher about the levels we got for the stories we wrote for our English exams, and she said that I had got a 6b. I was upset, because I was really proud of my story, and I thought it was one of the best things I'd ever written. I thought I would have at least got a 6a, and I was excited to find out what level I got for it because I thought I would have done a lot better, but I didn't. Then TheDoctorsQueen started showing off and saying that she got a level 7c, and it made me feel really bad because she was better than me at the one thing that I'm good at. If I lose my only talent, I will literally not be good at anything at all. I said that I thought I should have got a higher level, and then HeyHoHereWeGo laughed at me and said I didn't deserve anything. Then he made fun of my hair, and I said that I thought he and TheDoctorsQueen hated me, because they're always making fun of me. Then they started acting like they were the victims, and they said that it made them feel horrible when I said that I thought they hated me, even though I was really upset and they were just ignoring me. And it's not even my fault that I think they hate me, really, because they're always saying things about me and doing things that they know will trigger me just because they want to upset me. And I think everyone hates me anyway, unless they tell me otherwise, because most people actually do.
So, yeah. :/
In English, everyone in the classroom was talking about a video on the internet that I'd never even heard of, and apparently it has a self harm joke in it. People kept repeating the joke and making jokes that were even more offensive, and it was really quite triggering. It made me feel sad, and kind of self concious, because I felt like everyone knew that I self harmed. It also upset me because a few months ago, people didn't joke See More about it, but now for some reason I hear people make jokes about it almost every day and it's just sickening. It's really not something to joke about, and as I always say, you especially shouldn't make fun of things like that in a place like a classroom, because you really don't know what the people around you are going through. It's just awful.
At lunch, TheDoctorsQueen told me that she had asked the teacher about the levels we got for the stories we wrote for our English exams, and she said that I had got a 6b. I was upset, because I was really proud of my story, and I thought it was one of the best things I'd ever written. I thought I would have at least got a 6a, and I was excited to find out what level I got for it because I thought I would have done a lot better, but I didn't. Then TheDoctorsQueen started showing off and saying that she got a level 7c, and it made me feel really bad because she was better than me at the one thing that I'm good at. If I lose my only talent, I will literally not be good at anything at all. I said that I thought I should have got a higher level, and then HeyHoHereWeGo laughed at me and said I didn't deserve anything. Then he made fun of my hair, and I said that I thought he and TheDoctorsQueen hated me, because they're always making fun of me. Then they started acting like they were the victims, and they said that it made them feel horrible when I said that I thought they hated me, even though I was really upset and they were just ignoring me. And it's not even my fault that I think they hate me, really, because they're always saying things about me and doing things that they know will trigger me just because they want to upset me. And I think everyone hates me anyway, unless they tell me otherwise, because most people actually do.
So, yeah. :/
on February 24, 2016
I remember that when I was younger, I heard We Are Golden and thought to myself that I wanted to be a teenager, so that I could relate to the lyrics properly.
But I didn't know what the song was really about then, and it's kind of sad that I actually can relate to it now. And I never thought that I would relate to the lyrics that are about depression and self harm, but I do. :/
But I didn't know what the song was really about then, and it's kind of sad that I actually can relate to it now. And I never thought that I would relate to the lyrics that are about depression and self harm, but I do. :/
on February 24, 2016
I wish that Mika could help me through my school day and stop people making fun of me like he does for the teenagers in the Hurts music video.
on February 24, 2016
Today was mostly okay, but I feel horrible today. Nothing big has really happened to make me feel bad, but small bad things have been happening to me all day.
In Science, I had to copy TheDoctorsQueen's work because I wasn't in school when everyone started the work, and after I had copied it, I had to write down the method for a practical we were doing for a test in my own words. The teacher switched the slide on the whiteboard so that the method wasn't there, and I didn't know See More what to write. I felt really stupid because everyone else could do it and I couldn't.
In Art, the teacher read out everyone's levels for their work, and she gave me a 5c. She wrote on the board that if you got a level 5c, she thought that you understood the work and just about managed to do it. I felt stupid again, because I thought that my work was really good, and I was quite proud of it. I thought I would have got a level 5b, because I worked hard on it, but I didn't.
In English, we had to write a paragraph from the point of view of a character in the book we were reading. I wrote a paragraph that I was really proud of, and I thought it sounded good. But then the teacher told this girl to read out her paragraph, and hers was a lot better than mine, and it made me feel really bad.
In Spanish, at the end of the lesson, the teacher told me to move the blinds, and I didn't know how to. I opened them, and the teacher laughed at me and told me to move them again. I couldn't do it, and everyone started laughing at me. Twerking Bat Boy had to close the blinds for me, and then the teacher told me to move a chair, and he did that for me as well. I felt really useless and stupid.
When I walked out of school, one of the boys who makes fun of me the most kept shouting at me and saying hello to me. I was upset because of when happened in Spanish, and that just made it worse, so I walked away as fast as I could and tried not to cry.
Basically, I felt stupid in almost every lesson I had today, I got laughed at and I was shouted at. :/
In Science, I had to copy TheDoctorsQueen's work because I wasn't in school when everyone started the work, and after I had copied it, I had to write down the method for a practical we were doing for a test in my own words. The teacher switched the slide on the whiteboard so that the method wasn't there, and I didn't know See More what to write. I felt really stupid because everyone else could do it and I couldn't.
In Art, the teacher read out everyone's levels for their work, and she gave me a 5c. She wrote on the board that if you got a level 5c, she thought that you understood the work and just about managed to do it. I felt stupid again, because I thought that my work was really good, and I was quite proud of it. I thought I would have got a level 5b, because I worked hard on it, but I didn't.
In English, we had to write a paragraph from the point of view of a character in the book we were reading. I wrote a paragraph that I was really proud of, and I thought it sounded good. But then the teacher told this girl to read out her paragraph, and hers was a lot better than mine, and it made me feel really bad.
In Spanish, at the end of the lesson, the teacher told me to move the blinds, and I didn't know how to. I opened them, and the teacher laughed at me and told me to move them again. I couldn't do it, and everyone started laughing at me. Twerking Bat Boy had to close the blinds for me, and then the teacher told me to move a chair, and he did that for me as well. I felt really useless and stupid.
When I walked out of school, one of the boys who makes fun of me the most kept shouting at me and saying hello to me. I was upset because of when happened in Spanish, and that just made it worse, so I walked away as fast as I could and tried not to cry.
Basically, I felt stupid in almost every lesson I had today, I got laughed at and I was shouted at. :/
on February 23, 2016
I'm scared to go back to school tomorrow, and I don't even really know why. :/
on February 22, 2016