I just started reading The Manifesto On How To Be Interesting by Holly Bourne, and I already really like it. I've only read the first chapter, but I think it's going to be one of my favourite books. ?
It's mostly because I can relate to the main character so much that it's actually scary. The main character hates her bad school, hates herself, has unsupportive parents, wants to be an author and writes to escape her bad life, expects to have a good future but also thinks she won't See More have one, self harms and is depressed. That's exactly like me, because I go through all of that too. ?
I don't think I've ever found a character in a book that I can relate to that much before, to be honest. ?
It's mostly because I can relate to the main character so much that it's actually scary. The main character hates her bad school, hates herself, has unsupportive parents, wants to be an author and writes to escape her bad life, expects to have a good future but also thinks she won't See More have one, self harms and is depressed. That's exactly like me, because I go through all of that too. ?
I don't think I've ever found a character in a book that I can relate to that much before, to be honest. ?
on May 03, 2016
Half of Mika's songs: I went walking with my mama one day, when she warned me what people say. Live your life until love is found, oh, love's gonna get you down.
The other half of Mika's songs: And you know that heroes aren't meant to survive, so much harder to love when alive. Broke with the devil in your head, you would think you were better off dead.
The other half of Mika's songs: And you know that heroes aren't meant to survive, so much harder to love when alive. Broke with the devil in your head, you would think you were better off dead.
on May 02, 2016
OH MY GOSH. ECHOSMITH JUST NOTICED ME TWICE ON TWITTER. ????????
They were doing one of their #AskEchosmith question and answer things on Twitter, and I tweeted them twice asking them what their all time favourite song was, and what their favourite food was. They answered both of my tweets, and they tweeted me saying that their all time favourite song was I Miss You by Blink 182, and that their favourite food was sushi. They also asked me what my favourite food was, and I tweeted See More them back telling them that was cool, and that my favourite food was chicken noodles. Then they liked the tweet asking them about their favourite song. ??
I know that I've been noticed by them about five times now, because they answer nearly all of the tweets they get, but it still made me really happy. ?
They were doing one of their #AskEchosmith question and answer things on Twitter, and I tweeted them twice asking them what their all time favourite song was, and what their favourite food was. They answered both of my tweets, and they tweeted me saying that their all time favourite song was I Miss You by Blink 182, and that their favourite food was sushi. They also asked me what my favourite food was, and I tweeted See More them back telling them that was cool, and that my favourite food was chicken noodles. Then they liked the tweet asking them about their favourite song. ??
I know that I've been noticed by them about five times now, because they answer nearly all of the tweets they get, but it still made me really happy. ?
on May 01, 2016
Priceless (A MIKA Fanfic) - Chapter 13 - Wattpad
Priceless (A MIKA Fanfic):Chapter 13 - Victoria has always been an outcast. Nobody has ever wanted to be friends with her, because she doesn't talk. That is, u...
on May 01, 2016
Today was okay, apart from SkyDoesMinecraft Girl telling me that her older brother and his girlfriend said that I don't have a reason to self harm. It made me feel really bad, because I started to feel as if I was making fun of people with worse problems or something.
But how can they say that I don't have a reason to self harm, when they've never even met me properly? When I go to SkyDoesMinecraft Girl's house, they hardly ever talk to me, so they obviously don't know about See More my personal life and problems. They don't know anything about what I go through every day. I have to cope with not being able to talk at school. I get bullied every single day. I probably have depression and anxiety, and I have up to three panic attacks in a day. I hate myself and I always wish that I could die. My parents always insult me and they don't let me do normal things that nearly everyone does, like being a fan of things or having social media. My school is horrible, and I worry about my future a lot because of me not being taught anything. I always compare myself to other people, and I feel awful all the time because everyone is better than me. And that's not even all the reasons why I self harm.
Also, SkyDoesMinecraft Girl told me that they hated me for doing it because apparently they said that their problems are bigger than mine, so they had a 'reason' for doing it. That's just wrong, because suffering is not a competition. Everyone's problems are equal, and nobody is going through anything 'worse' than anyone else. And sometimes you don't even need something awful to happen to you to make you want to self harm. People do it because of unhappiness, and it's not always because of something tragic happening to them. The only time that anyone's reason for self harming isn't valid is when they are doing it in front of people just so they can make fun of it, like people at my school do. Everyone's problems are real and valid, and everyone deserves to be supported through whatever they're going through.
But how can they say that I don't have a reason to self harm, when they've never even met me properly? When I go to SkyDoesMinecraft Girl's house, they hardly ever talk to me, so they obviously don't know about See More my personal life and problems. They don't know anything about what I go through every day. I have to cope with not being able to talk at school. I get bullied every single day. I probably have depression and anxiety, and I have up to three panic attacks in a day. I hate myself and I always wish that I could die. My parents always insult me and they don't let me do normal things that nearly everyone does, like being a fan of things or having social media. My school is horrible, and I worry about my future a lot because of me not being taught anything. I always compare myself to other people, and I feel awful all the time because everyone is better than me. And that's not even all the reasons why I self harm.
Also, SkyDoesMinecraft Girl told me that they hated me for doing it because apparently they said that their problems are bigger than mine, so they had a 'reason' for doing it. That's just wrong, because suffering is not a competition. Everyone's problems are equal, and nobody is going through anything 'worse' than anyone else. And sometimes you don't even need something awful to happen to you to make you want to self harm. People do it because of unhappiness, and it's not always because of something tragic happening to them. The only time that anyone's reason for self harming isn't valid is when they are doing it in front of people just so they can make fun of it, like people at my school do. Everyone's problems are real and valid, and everyone deserves to be supported through whatever they're going through.
@jenesaispas
Yeah, it is. And it means making fun of or discriminating someone because of a disability or a disorder that they have.
Yeah, it is. And it means making fun of or discriminating someone because of a disability or a disorder that they have.
on April 30, 2016
@jenesaispas
Yeah. I actually don't know how they can say that I don't have a reason to do it, when they don't know me. :/
Yeah. I actually don't know how they can say that I don't have a reason to do it, when they don't know me. :/
on April 29, 2016
on April 29, 2016
Today was a bad day.
In PE, when I was waiting outside the movement hall, I had to stand next to Bars And Melody Girl. She said hello to me, and I forced myself to say hello to her. Then she started asking me why I don't talk, and when I didn't answer her, she started yelling at me and asking more questions. I felt as if I was going to have a panic attack, and I wished she would just leave me alone. Then TheDoctorsQueen came over to me, and I hoped she would help me, but she See More just stood there and watched, which made me feel even worse. Then Bars And Melody Girl started asking her questions about me, and I was scared in case she found out about my personal problems. Luckily, it was time to go inside the movement hall then, and she stopped talking to her, but I still felt bad.
In Maths, I was doing my work, and then Human Copy Machine Girl came back from doing her French speaking test. She said that she was the only person in the class with a Level 6, and that she was really proud of herself for getting a higher level than everyone else. I felt like crying, because I had felt so proud yesterday when the teacher told me that I had said as much as a Year 11 was supposed to for their GCSEs. And I had found out in French that everyone in the class that took the test before Human Copy Machine Girl had got either a Level 4 or a Level 5, which was already bad. She kept bragging about it for the entire lesson, and it made me feel so bad about myself. I kept thinking about the fact that I'm never good enough, and I just felt awful.
So, yeah. :/
In PE, when I was waiting outside the movement hall, I had to stand next to Bars And Melody Girl. She said hello to me, and I forced myself to say hello to her. Then she started asking me why I don't talk, and when I didn't answer her, she started yelling at me and asking more questions. I felt as if I was going to have a panic attack, and I wished she would just leave me alone. Then TheDoctorsQueen came over to me, and I hoped she would help me, but she See More just stood there and watched, which made me feel even worse. Then Bars And Melody Girl started asking her questions about me, and I was scared in case she found out about my personal problems. Luckily, it was time to go inside the movement hall then, and she stopped talking to her, but I still felt bad.
In Maths, I was doing my work, and then Human Copy Machine Girl came back from doing her French speaking test. She said that she was the only person in the class with a Level 6, and that she was really proud of herself for getting a higher level than everyone else. I felt like crying, because I had felt so proud yesterday when the teacher told me that I had said as much as a Year 11 was supposed to for their GCSEs. And I had found out in French that everyone in the class that took the test before Human Copy Machine Girl had got either a Level 4 or a Level 5, which was already bad. She kept bragging about it for the entire lesson, and it made me feel so bad about myself. I kept thinking about the fact that I'm never good enough, and I just felt awful.
So, yeah. :/
@jenesaispas
No, they don't seem to get tired of it, because everyone has asked me why I don't talk over and over again since I was eleven. And people asked me the same question all the way through primary school too. They ask me questions to try and get me to speak, even though they can't. And I don't even think she heard me say hello, to be honest. :/
No, they don't seem to get tired of it, because everyone has asked me why I don't talk over and over again since I was eleven. And people asked me the same question all the way through primary school too. They ask me questions to try and get me to speak, even though they can't. And I don't even think she heard me say hello, to be honest. :/
on April 28, 2016
@Rose_the_hedgehog
Then they'd probably call me pathetic and weird, and say that I deserved to suffer. And also, the whole year bullies me, and it would take ages to message them all. :/
Then they'd probably call me pathetic and weird, and say that I deserved to suffer. And also, the whole year bullies me, and it would take ages to message them all. :/
on April 28, 2016
And I'm also going to add that in my rant. ^-^ That it's *insert the bullies here* That you're suffering.
on April 28, 2016
on April 28, 2016
SkyDoesMinecraft Girl just told me that her older brother and his girlfriend told her that they can see my posts on her Twitter, and she said that they know that I self harm, and that's why they hate me.
I feel even more hated now, and I think nobody in real life actually likes me. :/
I feel even more hated now, and I think nobody in real life actually likes me. :/
on April 28, 2016
@jenesaispas
Yeah. Francesca said that her brother used to self harm, but if he did it, then he should understand. :/
Yeah. Francesca said that her brother used to self harm, but if he did it, then he should understand. :/
on April 28, 2016
on April 27, 2016
on April 27, 2016
One good thing that happened today was that the speaking test turned out okay. It was okay because I somehow managed to remember everything, and then I added some extra sentences to the end of it. The French teacher said that I said as much as a Year 11 was expected to say for their French GCSEs, which made me feel kind of proud.
on April 27, 2016
Today was a bad day.
When I was walking up the stairs to the room where I was going to do my French speaking test, these two boys were coming down the stairs. I think they might have been either the boys that called me a nutter before, or the boys that tried to trip me up in the corridors that time, but I didn't know. Then one of them pointed at me and said, "It's her again!" and then both of the boys went down the stairs. I thought I heard them call me ugly, but I wasn't sure. See More I just felt horrible, because I was already scared to do the speaking test, and it just made it worse.
In Food Tech, I was doing my work, and this boy (Let's call him Farm Boy, because he only ever talks about the fact that he lives on a farm) was making fun of self harm. He picked up a ruler, and he pretended to self harm, and it made me feel bad, because I felt as if everyone was looking at me. Then he stopped making fun of it, and I carried on doing my work, but then Owl Boy and his friend came over to the teacher's desk to get something, which was right in front of my desk, and I heard them talking about me. Owl Boy said, "She always looks really scared!" and I knew that they were talking about me. Then his friend said, "You know TheDoctorsQueen? Well, she said that Victoria has a disease thing that stops her from talking to boys!" Then I almost started crying, because I couldn't believe that TheDoctorsQueen had told them why I don't talk at school, and that she had lied about me to them. I felt awful, because they had said that I had a disease. It's not a disease at all, it's a disorder. And I don't have a disorder that 'stops me from talking to boys', I have a disorder that stops me from talking to everyone. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack, but I kept breathing in and out and singing Popular Song to myself, and I managed to calm down. But then Owl Boy's friend and Forest Boy started making fun of self harm, and I started to have an awful panic attack. I was shaking and hyperventilating, and I couldn't feel my hands or feet. I kept trying to keep breathing in and out, but it didn't work, and it just made everything worse. Eventually I calmed down, and I felt as if I was going to cry. It was just awful, and I hadn't had a panic attack that bad for months. Then when everyone was tidying up the classroom, this boy found a packet of Skittles that had been dropped, and there were Skittles all over the floor. He kept saying that I had dropped them, and that they were under my chair, even though I hadn't, and I hadn't even been near that area of the room. Everyone started laughing at me, and it just made me feel even worse. I was so relieved when it was the end of the lesson.
In English, we were watching a movie again, and Echosmith Hater Girl was sat in the teacher's chair. When she went back to her seat, she sarcastically said, "You can come and sit here, Victoria." Then when she sat down, she kept making fun of me, and I suddenly realised that everyone actually hated me. I just felt horrible.
So, yeah. :/
When I was walking up the stairs to the room where I was going to do my French speaking test, these two boys were coming down the stairs. I think they might have been either the boys that called me a nutter before, or the boys that tried to trip me up in the corridors that time, but I didn't know. Then one of them pointed at me and said, "It's her again!" and then both of the boys went down the stairs. I thought I heard them call me ugly, but I wasn't sure. See More I just felt horrible, because I was already scared to do the speaking test, and it just made it worse.
In Food Tech, I was doing my work, and this boy (Let's call him Farm Boy, because he only ever talks about the fact that he lives on a farm) was making fun of self harm. He picked up a ruler, and he pretended to self harm, and it made me feel bad, because I felt as if everyone was looking at me. Then he stopped making fun of it, and I carried on doing my work, but then Owl Boy and his friend came over to the teacher's desk to get something, which was right in front of my desk, and I heard them talking about me. Owl Boy said, "She always looks really scared!" and I knew that they were talking about me. Then his friend said, "You know TheDoctorsQueen? Well, she said that Victoria has a disease thing that stops her from talking to boys!" Then I almost started crying, because I couldn't believe that TheDoctorsQueen had told them why I don't talk at school, and that she had lied about me to them. I felt awful, because they had said that I had a disease. It's not a disease at all, it's a disorder. And I don't have a disorder that 'stops me from talking to boys', I have a disorder that stops me from talking to everyone. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack, but I kept breathing in and out and singing Popular Song to myself, and I managed to calm down. But then Owl Boy's friend and Forest Boy started making fun of self harm, and I started to have an awful panic attack. I was shaking and hyperventilating, and I couldn't feel my hands or feet. I kept trying to keep breathing in and out, but it didn't work, and it just made everything worse. Eventually I calmed down, and I felt as if I was going to cry. It was just awful, and I hadn't had a panic attack that bad for months. Then when everyone was tidying up the classroom, this boy found a packet of Skittles that had been dropped, and there were Skittles all over the floor. He kept saying that I had dropped them, and that they were under my chair, even though I hadn't, and I hadn't even been near that area of the room. Everyone started laughing at me, and it just made me feel even worse. I was so relieved when it was the end of the lesson.
In English, we were watching a movie again, and Echosmith Hater Girl was sat in the teacher's chair. When she went back to her seat, she sarcastically said, "You can come and sit here, Victoria." Then when she sat down, she kept making fun of me, and I suddenly realised that everyone actually hated me. I just felt horrible.
So, yeah. :/
on April 27, 2016
on April 27, 2016
I have to do the French speaking test today, and I really don't want to do it. And I have the lesson where I have to do woodwork today, so today is going to be horrible.
I'm so scared, and I don't want to go to school today. :/
I'm so scared, and I don't want to go to school today. :/
on April 27, 2016
I just published the first chapter of my new story, Forever, on W attpad. So if you want to read it, you can go on my profile and find it there. ?
on April 27, 2016
I just remembered that my French speaking test is tomorrow. And I haven't learned any of it, and it's too late at night to do very much now. I'm really worried, because I'm scared to do it already, and this is just making it worse. I'll just have to try my best to remember it all, because that's really all I can do.
And today in French, the teacher talked about what will happen if you try to get out of doing the speaking test. If you don't go to it, then a teacher is sent to See More bring you up to the room where you do the test, and then you get into serious trouble. I really don't want to do it, but I don't want to get into trouble either. So I can't do that. :/
And today in French, the teacher talked about what will happen if you try to get out of doing the speaking test. If you don't go to it, then a teacher is sent to See More bring you up to the room where you do the test, and then you get into serious trouble. I really don't want to do it, but I don't want to get into trouble either. So I can't do that. :/
on April 26, 2016
Also, guys, I'm writing a new story on W attpad. The first chapter will probably be finished today. ☺
@MobileDorkestra
It's not a fanfic, it's a story called Forever. It's a story that I've been meaning to write for a long time, but I never actually started it until yesterday. And I changed the storyline and added a character that represents SkyDoesMinecraft Girl, because she wanted me to write a story with a character based on her. And the main character is See More supposed to be exactly like me too, and it's basically a story that's based on our lives. But Mika is in it, in a way, because there's a character that represents him and is the main character's idol. But he just has a different name in the story. ☺
It's not a fanfic, it's a story called Forever. It's a story that I've been meaning to write for a long time, but I never actually started it until yesterday. And I changed the storyline and added a character that represents SkyDoesMinecraft Girl, because she wanted me to write a story with a character based on her. And the main character is See More supposed to be exactly like me too, and it's basically a story that's based on our lives. But Mika is in it, in a way, because there's a character that represents him and is the main character's idol. But he just has a different name in the story. ☺
on April 26, 2016
on April 26, 2016
Today I am six weeks clean. ?
on April 26, 2016
Today was a bad day.
In form, this boy was talking about self harm, and I felt scared because I felt as if everyone was looking at me. Even though nobody knew that I self harmed, it felt like they knew. It was just horrible, and I kind of felt sick.
In English, we were watching a movie, and Echosmith Hater Girl kept making fun of me and sarcastically saying that she was sat with her 'best friend'. I tried to ignore her, and then someone threw a paper aeroplane at me and it hit See More me in the face. Everyone started laughing at me, and then I heard someone tell an inappropriate joke and put my name in it, so everyone made fun of me even more. I very nearly started crying, but I managed not to. Then Echosmith Hater Girl started sarcastically asking me if I wanted to go shopping with her, and she made fun of me again when I didn't answer her. It was just horrible, and I was so relieved when it was the end of the lesson.
In Drama, I was working in a group, and the boy and girl that talked about self harm in front of me in a Drama lesson before (Let's call them Mouse Boy and Nirvana Girl) started talking about it again when they were sat right next to me. They kept talking about why they do it and what makes them do it, and it was just really triggering. I already felt like self harming because of everything that happened in the morning, and it just made it even worse.
In Science, I was doing my work, and this boy turned round to SkyDoesMinecraft Girl and told her that when he had came onto our table at lunch and we walked away, he wasn't there to make fun of her, and that he had been there to make fun of me. That made me feel bad, because I realised that most people at school just wanted to make me feel horrible.
So, yeah. :/
In form, this boy was talking about self harm, and I felt scared because I felt as if everyone was looking at me. Even though nobody knew that I self harmed, it felt like they knew. It was just horrible, and I kind of felt sick.
In English, we were watching a movie, and Echosmith Hater Girl kept making fun of me and sarcastically saying that she was sat with her 'best friend'. I tried to ignore her, and then someone threw a paper aeroplane at me and it hit See More me in the face. Everyone started laughing at me, and then I heard someone tell an inappropriate joke and put my name in it, so everyone made fun of me even more. I very nearly started crying, but I managed not to. Then Echosmith Hater Girl started sarcastically asking me if I wanted to go shopping with her, and she made fun of me again when I didn't answer her. It was just horrible, and I was so relieved when it was the end of the lesson.
In Drama, I was working in a group, and the boy and girl that talked about self harm in front of me in a Drama lesson before (Let's call them Mouse Boy and Nirvana Girl) started talking about it again when they were sat right next to me. They kept talking about why they do it and what makes them do it, and it was just really triggering. I already felt like self harming because of everything that happened in the morning, and it just made it even worse.
In Science, I was doing my work, and this boy turned round to SkyDoesMinecraft Girl and told her that when he had came onto our table at lunch and we walked away, he wasn't there to make fun of her, and that he had been there to make fun of me. That made me feel bad, because I realised that most people at school just wanted to make me feel horrible.
So, yeah. :/
on April 26, 2016
mikasprincess | YouNow LIVE
YouNow is the best way to broadcast live and get an audience to watch you.
@jenesaispas
Yeah. There's an update where you can only watch recent livestreams now, which is annoying because sometimes I want to rewatch them. :/
Yeah. There's an update where you can only watch recent livestreams now, which is annoying because sometimes I want to rewatch them. :/
on April 26, 2016
on April 25, 2016
on April 25, 2016
Today was mostly okay, apart from a few things.
In PE, we were playing football, and I wasn't running after the ball because I thought everyone would just laugh at me. I tried to walk around and look like I was playing the game, but that didn't really work. This girl walked over to me, and she said, "Do you know how to run?" in a voice that sounded like she thought I was stupid. I was scared, but I forced myself to nod, and then she said, "Well, I suggest you do it." Then she See More walked off, and everyone else started joining in and yelling at me for not running. I almost started crying, but I managed not to.
In English, I got moved to sit next to Echosmith Hater Girl, which was bad because she always makes fun of me. She was comparing her skin colour to other people to see how tanned she is compared to them, and she told me to show her my arm so she could compare my skin tone with hers. I was scared, because I didn't know if the scars on my arm had faded yet, so I shook my head and carried on with my work. Then she and these boys started laughing at me, and one of the boys said, "Ooh, you got ignored!" That made me feel even worse, and she kept trying to get me to show her my arm. I still didn't show it to her, and then this girl on my table turned around to Echosmith Hater Girl and said, "She might not want to show you her arm." I felt kind of scared, because they might think that I self harm now, and I don't want them to find out. Echosmith Hater Girl stopped asking me to show her my arm then, but then Hair Colour Girl and this older boy who had been moved into the classroom started making fun of self harm. That made me feel even worse, and I felt as if everyone was looking at me.
So, yeah. :/
In PE, we were playing football, and I wasn't running after the ball because I thought everyone would just laugh at me. I tried to walk around and look like I was playing the game, but that didn't really work. This girl walked over to me, and she said, "Do you know how to run?" in a voice that sounded like she thought I was stupid. I was scared, but I forced myself to nod, and then she said, "Well, I suggest you do it." Then she See More walked off, and everyone else started joining in and yelling at me for not running. I almost started crying, but I managed not to.
In English, I got moved to sit next to Echosmith Hater Girl, which was bad because she always makes fun of me. She was comparing her skin colour to other people to see how tanned she is compared to them, and she told me to show her my arm so she could compare my skin tone with hers. I was scared, because I didn't know if the scars on my arm had faded yet, so I shook my head and carried on with my work. Then she and these boys started laughing at me, and one of the boys said, "Ooh, you got ignored!" That made me feel even worse, and she kept trying to get me to show her my arm. I still didn't show it to her, and then this girl on my table turned around to Echosmith Hater Girl and said, "She might not want to show you her arm." I felt kind of scared, because they might think that I self harm now, and I don't want them to find out. Echosmith Hater Girl stopped asking me to show her my arm then, but then Hair Colour Girl and this older boy who had been moved into the classroom started making fun of self harm. That made me feel even worse, and I felt as if everyone was looking at me.
So, yeah. :/
on April 25, 2016
I just stayed up until 1am writing a five page English essay, because I really want to try and get higher levels.
I really hope I get at least a 6a on it, because I'll be really disappointed if I get less than that. I probably will get less than a 6a, because I'll probably get a bad level like I always do. But that's only if the teacher even marks my essay, because she never marks anyone's work. :/
I really hope I get at least a 6a on it, because I'll be really disappointed if I get less than that. I probably will get less than a 6a, because I'll probably get a bad level like I always do. But that's only if the teacher even marks my essay, because she never marks anyone's work. :/
on April 25, 2016