Arrows and Regret

more regret

I put my finger to my mouth and point to the man walking toward the village. i can tell my sister is nervous but our family needs the food this man has. We needed more than him so what he was innocent i didn't care it was a life or death thing and i wasn't going to die without a fight.  I grip my bow tight and pull back aiming for his shoulder.  I let go and regret starts pouring in, it wasn't as loud as the first time six years ago but still there.  I shake it out and head towards the body.  My sister follows behind in awe.
"hes dead" she says and i feel saddened that she needed to see me like this.  I fight back tears and pick up the leather bag.
"yeah hes dead, so what it was either him or us which would you rather choose"?
"us" she says quietly and her reply kinda surprised me.
"Good"
"but do you think he has a family"?
"probably"
"and we just killed him"!
"that's life" i say
"i don't like life"
"me either"
"did mom and dad teach you that"?
"dad did, mom doesn't like to think about" i pause and sigh "and neither do I"
"sorry"
"it's not your fault"
"i know i'm sorry we grew up with parents like that"
"they were born like us poor children who just want to survive" i look around "we should head home before it gets dark" i take her hand and we head back
"will you teach me too shoot like that" i know she doesn't want to be a monster like me but she want's to survive too i could tell.
"sure"  i say we walk in silence and everything i have done floods back in this moment of silence.
"Hey alice" my sister says after a little bit
"yeah" i say
"do you think mom and dad really love us"?
"of course"
"then why do they make up do the work"
"Because they are old now"
'they aren't that old"
"well still it's builds character in us"
"really"
"yup makes up stronger"
"or breaks us down" her words surprise me
"does it break you down"?
"a little but i can go through with it" i start to remember my first time and telling myself it would get better, it doesn't
"yeah it will" i lie
"good because this feels terrible" we both stop talking.  it's almost pitch black before we get home and i can see my mother through the window of the cottage.  I  see my dad chomping wood outside and start wondering if it was hard for him his first round of....hunting. 'why couldn't we hunt animals,, i had once asked him 'because it's harder' he replied 'oh' i had replied still at wounder of why we chose the worst path of survival of the fittest.