The Escape
Mary had tried to convince her dad that she did see that figure,since then she has been studying the figure.One morning she was studying and she thought to herself "Maybe I could run away".She decided she was,she rushed down stairs and told her dad if she could go to the park. "You can but be back by 10:00pm ok?" Mary nodded and rushed out the door...3 hours passed and it was 11:00pm.James started to get worried "Oh where is she?!" He said,the clock struck 12:00pm at this point James was so worried he had to call the police. Meanwhile Mary was sitting under a tree when she heard a police car getting closer and closer,she got all her things together and ran. She tripped over a rock and cut her knee but got up and carried on running.She got far away from the police and rested on a small hill she found. "It's nice to be free" she said "Away from parents and homework" She suddenly hears scuttling in the leaves,she grabs a knife she snuck in her bag,ready to attack,she's see's the same creature,she saw it closer this time,it was a vast creature with a black tux and no face!S̸͟͞l̸͟͞e̸͟͞n̸͟͞d̸͟͞e̸͟͞r̸͟͞m̸͟͞a̸͟͞n̸͟͞. Mary let out a loud scream "AHHHHHHH" but still held the knife in front of her,the creature got closer until it was right up close to Mary. "P...p..please don't hurt me,PLEASE" Mary said as the creature let out his hand to her. Mary got her bag and placed her hand on 'his' they teleported to Mary's house she gasped as she saw what was in front of her, her mum and dad hugging,mum crying, Mary looked at slender man,she said "Take me back! I can't bare seeing mum and dad like this!" She had tears in her eyes...
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1 star
I HATED this story. Sorry, but I'm being completely honest with you
2 ★
It was a cool story, but it lacked descriptions. I think the plot went along to fast, and some important things were missing. Where is the climax?
As well as some other questions:
-How did she not die when she saw Slenderman? See More
-When they telephoned to her house, how did her parents not see her?
-How did she not react to falling down and getting hurt?
-Just because her dad didn't believe her shouldn't be a reasonable reason to run away.
-Why didn't she get hurt when Jeff attacked her?
-Why did she need Slendy to bring her back home? There was no reference as to her getting lost. She could have walked home herself.
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This story can be VERY good with some editing and I'm sure you're capable of doing better.
Keep going!
-Raven:D