A strange discovery.
"Dad!" Mary called at the top of her voice."Yes dear" replied her Father,James,"Can I go to the park?" Mary hesitated for a bit."Of course" said James. Mary ran as fast as she could to the park...there was No person there,Mary thought for a moment...then she went on the swing.She shouted "WEEEEEEEE!" As she went higher and higher into the air.Suddenly she heard a stick snap in the trees, "Hello?" Mary whispered...no answer until Mary saw a horrifying figure in the trees,staring at her,Mary jumped of the swing and grabbed a laser sharp stick she found in the grass,she stepped on a stick and it startled the creature and it fled off.Mary grabbed her bag and ran back home to tell her dad about it."I'm telling you Dad I did see a strange figure in the trees!" Shouted Mary "Be quiet darling! Your mother is asleep" James shouted back."Anyway there's no way that could have happened" James added."yes there is!" Demanded Mary as she stormed up to her room with tears in her eyes,"why doesn't he believe me?" She said to herself...
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1 star
I HATED this story. Sorry, but I'm being completely honest with you
2 ★
It was a cool story, but it lacked descriptions. I think the plot went along to fast, and some important things were missing. Where is the climax?
As well as some other questions:
-How did she not die when she saw Slenderman? See More
-When they telephoned to her house, how did her parents not see her?
-How did she not react to falling down and getting hurt?
-Just because her dad didn't believe her shouldn't be a reasonable reason to run away.
-Why didn't she get hurt when Jeff attacked her?
-Why did she need Slendy to bring her back home? There was no reference as to her getting lost. She could have walked home herself.
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This story can be VERY good with some editing and I'm sure you're capable of doing better.
Keep going!
-Raven:D