Invisible

Dream State

It's been three weeks.  Twenty one days.  Almost a month of just waiting for Lucas to wake up.  I've spent the majority of this time sitting in the waiting room because I couldn't bear to see what he looks like in his condition.  I go home to shower, change clothes, sleep, and eat, but then I'm right back at the hospital.  I haven't been to work since the accident.  

The doctors keep saying, "Any day now, he could wake up any day."  But it's beginning to look like any day will never come.  Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for him to be in stable condition, but it's killing me to not be able to tell him how I feel.

That I love him.

That I miss him.

But that I don't think it will work out between us.

This was the heartbreaking realization that hit me one day driving back to the hospital.  It was all I could do to stay on the road, on in the end, I didn't.  I had to pull over to pull myself together.  

What happened between me and Lucas, both the good and the bad, will never be able to heal the wound in my heart.  He had betrayed me.  And no amount of apologies could make me forget that.  

I needed him to wake up so I could tell him.  Tell him that I love him.  And that a part of me always would.  I guess I was in a state of denial before.  My heart wanted to believe that we could still be together, but my brain woke me from my dream-like state of denial.  In a few years from now, if we had managed to struggle along that far, we would still remember what had happened that night.  

A single tear falls now as I sit in the waiting room.  My father sits down beside me.  To be honest, I didn't think he would still be here, but it was a pleasant surprise.

"Kiddo, he's going to be fine," he nudges me.

I nod.  "Yeah.  It's just a matter of when."

"You never were patient."

I glance up at him, at his graying hair, and the stubble along his chin, and at his nose, which I must have gotten from him.  

"I have to go, but I'll be by later with some dinner," he pushes himself out of the chair.  "Are you going to stay here tonight?  Or do you want to come home?"

"I think I'll just sleep here tonight," I tell him.

He nods then leaves.

A doctor passes by me.  I wish he would stop.  I wish he would tell me something.  I wish Lucas would wake up.

I want to see him.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Lucas's parents talking to a doctor.  My heart flutters.  

The doctor is smiling.  Lucas's mom is smiling and crying.  Lucas's father is grinning like he won a million dollars.  

The doctor leads them in the direction of Lucas's room.

He must be awake.

*******************************
"Kasey?"  

I stir in my chair at the sound of Lucas's mother's voice.  

I stand.  "Yes?  How is he?"

"He's awake," she smiles, tears still in her eyes.  "I just got back from seeing him."

A giant weight feels like it's been taken away from my shoulders.

"Oh thank God," I whisper.

"Yes," she smiles.  "You're welcome to go see him once the doctors are through running tests."

I smile.  "Soon?"

She nods, but a sudden sadness casts over her face.  "There's just one thing, Kasey."

"Yes?"

"Lucas can't remember anything about the last few months."