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im gay

i have trust issues

So theres a thing I used to do. Whenever I had trouble faking a smile, because I had no emotions, I would pinch the back of my hand so hard it hurt through the numbness. The pain would make me smile without meaning to. But it only works if it hurts. TO THIS DAY whenever I use this trick, no-one looks at my hands. They always look at my eyes, my chest, or my smile. If they had looked down, they would see that I'm hurting myself to smile.

Weird huh?

One of my worst fears is someone going up to me and asking "Are you a boy or a girl?" because its what my inner demons say to me.
I hate Homophobic people

When i was 5 I was wandering in a forest with me family. I got lost and I was almost killed. it was one of the most terrifying days of my life

During grade 4.. I started being bullied by a large group of girls in my class. They would target every little thing about me, shove it in my face. Of course, I was strong. I had a voice in my head looking out for me, giving me advice in the most important moments. "They might be jealous. You shouldnt listen to them, just move on with your life" and thats what I did. (btw i believe its an older me watching over me cause it sounds exactly like that). But one day, my best friend/crush See More disappeared. he had moved far away. I didnt have his phone number, his address, i didnt even know he left until he was gone. the bullies words affected me. I fell into depression at grade 6, age 11-12. It got worse. grade 7, everything was changing. i was still bullied. I got Mercedes, (mouse) and her boyfriend together. oh how that backfired.. she spent so much time with him she started drifting from me. Of course, I didnt say anything. why would I? she seemed happy and i didnt want to be selfish. Then he started insulting me behind her back. I'm sure he thought it was just teasing, but he soon picked my biggest flaw= my nose. Charissa joined him. They insulted me twice everyday, replacing my bullies. At first I would make a comment back, or shove them, or somehting. but as i fell deeper into depression i stopped.. and just stared at them or walked away. This kept going on. The only person I felt I could talk to was Reigha, but.. she stopped supporting me after a month or two. I was alone, completely and utterly. I went emotionless, I got hurt but didnt feel it, I.. I died inside. But all the while I would smile, my arms feeling hot from the cuts. Then i became suicidal. the only thing that kept me going was this one thought.. "If i died they would cry. If i died they would have no shoulder to lean on. I will keep being a tool, and keep helping people with their problems...even if they never helped me" TO THIS DAY i still follow that. thats why im always so supportive. but im not longer severely depressed. any little thing can bring it back though.. if im not careful. Sometimes i go completely still and stare off into the distance. I would hold my throat, stop breathing, and pretend to be dead. Just like I did when I was depressed

Ok my life as a summary
I was hardly breathing as a baby
My parents got divorced and I was taken in by my dad
I was abuse and Sexually abused for 5 years
I told no one
I had no friends or anyone to go to
And got major trust issues so I have some friends See More
My life is Crap

My life (Mom told me what happen)
I was born and i was going to die then the doctors help me and now i'm alive and the more i grow the more life gets hard. It was my sis birthday and
dad said that he had to leave and i grew and now i feel like evil spirits are around me and they say...kill...them...ALL!

Ya so uhm i have a twin sister and before we were born my dad died from brain cancer and my mom had to raise us alone with our grandparents. Soon she met a man (I will not say his name) but they were dating he was nice at first then he just turned out to be abusive and mean. While they were together and if they got married I would have had 3 step sisters the oldest one hated my mom and wanted to kill her, the sec oldest was the nicest, and the youngest was just a mean person. See More He had made our lives miserable he was so mean that he made me and my twin drift apart and now she hates me, but at least I know who to blame. Soon they broke up and my mom dated a few guys until she found my stepfather. You know the way it goes, nice at first then turns out to be an asshole, yet we all still love him even though he can be mean. Now I have a 4 year old little sister and my life still sucks.

HELLO! ANNOUNCEMENT TIME! If anyone and I mean anyone judges, hurts, or insults someone else they arent allowed on here anymore. They are KICKED! you have been warned..

My friends are always yelling at me and I feel like i did something wrong :( :(