The Ninth Nonsense- The One On Socializing
Why hello,This nonsense is brought to you today by, my brain.
My brain has spent years tormenting me with endless thoughts and self conversations
It spends so much time analyzing and finding ways to improve my alone time, that I am proud to say that I can now do lazy multitasking
But something that it fails to do, is work out how to socialize
Yes, socializing, the thing that I "detest" as my own type of introvert
Whenever I try to talk to someone what usually happens is an immense amount of awkwardness
And by some kind of invisible force, I can't seem to get my bran to have a proper conversation
Now, I love my thought process, and the way I think
I know that I an be funny
I know that I can bring something new to the conversation, or just add on to what the conversation was about
But still I hold back my comments and wait for some other opportunity to talk
This year many people have come and actually tried to talk to me
And instead of trying to maintain a purposeful conversation, I ask myself why.
Why are they talking to me? Is it a dare? Was I acting strange? Do I look funny today?
And then anxiety kicks in, and my voice starts to get shaky. And I have to move my fingers
I know this person wants to talk to me and get to know me, and I do too, but I can't take the pressure
What if I say something wrong? Will they talk about me behind my back?
What do they like? What can we even talk about?
And then all of my questions accumulate and I just stop listening
I do look at them, and add additional head nodding and comments, but in reality I just want the conversation to end
I want to go back to my safe zone, I want to be alone
Except, I know that I don't.
In reality I want to hear this person out
I want to know this person
I just want to have someone to talk to apart from myself
But I'm not strong enough, I back out to quick.
So I just say a comment to seemingly end the conversation
This often results in them never talking to me again, others try again, but it mostly ends in the same result.
I often find myself asking, why am I like this?
How can I change myself?
I don't know the answers.
I believe the other students see me as rude or as a person that just doesn't care about others
And after a while it get's to you.
I can still offer smiles and good faces
But I wish I could learn how to talk to new people.
It makes it really awkward when there's a partner project and you realize that you're gonna have to do it alone or intrude in an already formed partnership
Usually I do it alone.
But I really wish that I could join others
Right now I only have my friends in a few of my classes, and we have to sit apart.
I want to be more of an extrovert, cause I feel like I'm digging myself into a hole of loneliness
And I don't want that
When I'm an adult I'll have to go out of my comfort zone even more then now
So if a change needs to happen, it's now.
In all honesty, I would like to thank my few friends for accepting me
If I have ever, if once broken my shell, it was because of them
They have stuck with me, this ball of anxiety, and helped me improve.
Thanks to them I'm learning how to be a better me, a me that's somewhat proud of me
I used to be so ashamed to say what I thought, what I liked, and what made me happy
And just like they helped me, I've helped them
Through heart-aches, depressions, addictions, hate
And I want to be strong enough to help others
To help others break their inner cells little by little
So yeah, I want to talk to more people, I want to enjoy my high school life, I want to make people happy
But most importantly, I want to be comfortable with
To stop second guessing people, and myself
Thanks for reading this teenagers nonsense (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ
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@Mataways