Don't Worry It's Not Sunday Yet

The Run and Go

Why the hell had I done it!? Had I learnt nothing from my recent trip to the hospital? Obviously not. Maybe I could throw away my blades? No. I'd find more, anyway, there was no way I was getting rid of my straight razor. Anyway, who cared if I inflicted pain on myself, if I didn't somebody else surely would. "FOR F*CKS SAKE. SNAP OUT OF IT NATHAN!!" I throw the knife I hadn't even noticed I was holding across the room and it lands with a thud in the wall. I stumble forward and loose balance from the momentum.

Why do I let myself get like this? How do I not notice that it's happening to me? I'm sitting on the kitchen floor with a massive knife sticking out the wall for crying out loud! Last thing I remember was walking up to the shops to get some...alcohol. Oh.

I awoke the next morning in the exact same spot and cried. There were a heap of small cuts on the left side of my face, probably caused by the shattered glass I'd fallen asleep on. I wondered what Brendon would say to that.

I set off at half past. The walk there was fairly boring, I got a few weird looks but I tried my best to ignore them. By the time I got to the clinic I was sweating. Looking towards the desk I couldn't see Josh's bright blue hair. Shame, I was looking forward to seeing him. "Sorry I was fixing up some of the magazines." The missing boy's voice startled me and he laughed bringing a smile out of me "Hi Josh." He got up from where he was crouched and walked over to me. "Dude what happened!" Josh gently touched the cuts on my face and ran behind his desk "you smell like beer" he commented as he got closer, I looked at my feet ashamed. "Sarah said you'd kicked that habit." I looked at him a bit shocked but shrugged it away "The night I, it happened, we'd had some celebratory drinks. When I took the b-blade I was punishing myself, obviously it didn't work." Josh wrapped me in a bear hug. "You're gonna be alright, Brendon and I will help you."

As he treated my cuts we talked. As it turned out we had a lot of common interests. He was a drummer and liked a lot of the same bands as me, Twenty Four Cabbies, Fall Out Lady, My Reactive Love, all the emo bands. He also had a tattoo of Van Gogh's Starry Night, which was pretty cool. "Hey, my friend Tyler is in town, the three of us should hang out sometime. You and Tyler will love each other."

Brendon called me into his office. For some reason it felt like a hostile environment, it probably didn't help that Brendon wouldn't stop staring at me. "How have you been?" I awkwardly broke the silence. Brendon sighed "I've been okay, you haven't though. You haven't been alright since you were separated from your father. I know you hate talking about this. You haven't told anybody since Joel and Benji." How had Brendon found out about all this? Now I'd have to face my past "I-I'm not ready." My voice came out strained and quiet. "It okay, I wouldn't expect anybody to be ready. You need to face this though, you can't keep locking it away." I sighed. Face my past? By myself? No. No way in hell. I felt a cup of water being pushed into my hand and I realised I was beginning to have a panic attack "It's alright, breathe Nathan, breathe." My heart rate slowly declined to a fairly normal speed.

This session was a lot more intense than the previous ones. Brendon took notes on almost every word. "Tell me a bit about your parents." I took a deep breath. "Well I always preferred my father to my mother, he was a lot kinder, more accepting. When I f*cked up he would gently guide me in the right direction, he listened to my problems and even though he's gone physically I know his spirit is still watching out for me. He was, is, my voice of reason." I smiled at the thought of him. Brendon also smiled "What about your mother?" My little bubble of happiness was abruptly popped, actualy it felt more like a glass orb being shattered and smashed over and over again with a sledgehammer, shards of glass flying around me tearing me to pieces. The blood gushing out of my wounds was drowning me. "I don't like her much."

"Why?"

"I'd rather not talk about it." Brendon merely nodded in response. We talked a bit more about my father until the session was over.

Josh stopped me on my way out "How'd it go?" He queried. "It was alright, we talked about my father." Josh nodded and smiled as he handed me a piece of paper "Tyler and I are going to a gig on Friday night, you should tag along." I looked at the piece of paper (It had a phone number, a time and a venue) and smiled back at him "see you then."

Josh and Tyler, nice names. I could actually see myself becoming close friends with this receptionist and I was looking forward to meeting his friend. I couldn't believe that I was looking forward to a social action, Nathan looking forward to meeting a stranger? What was wrong with me? A lot was wrong with me. Shit. What was I doing? I'd already put the Madden brothers through so much, I couldn't put these guys through that. It was too late now anyway. I took the piece of paper out of my jeans pocket and put it on the fridge with a magnet. As I brushed my hair out of my face I realised how badly it needed to be washed. I loved showers. A bit too much really, I definitely wasn't the most water efficient person out there but they just felt so good. The water dropping imitated the sound of rain and it wasn't just cleaning my body it was clearing my mind.

I put on a Bring Me The Horizon cd, got undressed and jumped straight into the shower. Oh, how I regretted that decision. I quickly adjusted the temperature and when nothing happened I jumped straight back out. Shivering, I grabbed a towel and started at my shower in a mixture of shock, disgust and confusion.

This day really was full of ups and downs, wasn't it?