love letter

romantique

my favorite nail polish is called romantique, it’s a kind of pale and neutral tone pink that looks really natural and goes on smooth and shiny. i think i got it in like february and in april i wore it to prom, and that night my fingers, with romantique pink nails locked with yours. one of our favorite songs is heaven knows im miserable, and it has this one line that goes “two lovers entwined, pass me by, and heaven knows i’m miserable now” and that night instead of being miserable we were those two lovers. and i remember sending you a picture of the little glass bottle because i thought you might like the name, you said “nail polish!!!” just a two word response. you have never been a very wordy person, but i am. i remember once when we were at lunch together with your ex girlfriend, she told me you were into poetry and you really liked mine and i was confused because you never struck me as a poetry guy. i couldn’t tell what she was trying to hint at, if she’d caught onto the fact that you were my muse for all of my melancholic poems and that she was the if she was ‘her’ in icarus which i wrote the day i realized i was in love with you or if she was being mean because she saw the way i looked at you, but then one day, you left the table to use the bathroom and she looked at me and said “he has a crush on you.” and i remember my stomach dropped to the floor and a cold sweat took over my entire body, i felt stupid and i asked “who” to make sure and the. she said your name and her eyes seemed teary as she told me and i felt a little bad because i knew i was the reason he’d left her and also because looking back he’d always been so obvious about it. december 14th, 2021 he’d slipped a green paper heart onto my desk during seventh period and walked away silent and fast and i never really thought anything of it, he always seemed shy and awkward around me, he said he liked my music taste and the way i dressed and he always liked taking pictures together and i think i like to think that he was being too subtle but i think i was the problem, i think i might’ve shunned him at first and i felt really bad because i put up walls to protect myself because last time i fell in love i got hurt and i was scared to let myself fall again because what if you didn’t catch me, last time i was icarus i fell to my death but i didn’t realize you were icarus, and thank god i wasn’t too late because i’m in love with you, even though you’re so so far from me. i wish we had more time together, i remember a few months back when we made plans to go out together, just a friendly outing to get ice cream and cds and then probably smoke pot in the parking lot behind walmart, you were excited and i was excited and i think it was a monday when these plans were made and we were supposed to go out on saturday, but then you stayed home from school thursday, you told me you were feeling really sick and you had a fever, i figured you’d probably just caught the 24 hour bug that everyone had but later that night you tested positive for covid and it was pretty bad, when i had it it lasted maybe three days and was no worse than a bad cold but you were so sick you could hardly move from your bed for a week, and we facetimed a few times even though you were half asleep and could hardly talk. you looked so beautiful even though you were so sick and i sent your housemate home with peppermint tea to help your throat and stomach. i wish i could’ve been there with you in person to take care of you and make sure you were okay. eventually you got better and you had so much makeup work to finish, so i helped you with it at lunch. i’m somebody who doesn’t even like doing their own homework but i was happy to help you just to spend time with you because we only had about six months left before you had to go. we never rescheduled that date and to this day i wish we’d had the chance, it wasn’t technically but i do consider prom our first date. we didn’t go together as a couple but i spent most of the night with you except for when i left you sitting by yourself on the balcony when you said you were nauseous and needed some fresh air. you’d been drinking heavy that night, you couldn’t stand up straight. you were a completely different person yet i loved that person just as much as the shy and gentle guy you are in the rare moments you were completely sober. first thing you did when you saw me was give me a hug, then we leaned in close, your lips were close to mine and i was able to smell the alcohol on your breath. we took a polaroid and i went to hang out with my prom group. as i was dancing i couldn’t help but watch you from the corner of my vision, you were wandering stumbling around the room, you looked so lost and helpless, you were shaking your hands and you had to keep leaving the room to use the bathroom and there was a cop by  the door and i wasn’t sure how you didn’t get caught but you didn’t. a few groups of boys had already been thrown out of prom for being drunk, maybe it was just because you always look a little lost and lonely and maybe i think that’s why i like you so much, but i went over to you and we spent the night laughing and fooling around, like i said i left you alone after a while but shortly after i came across you slumped over unconscious at a table with your jacket off because you got too hot, i had to gently shake you awake because you were so out of it but after you slowly opened your beautiful eyes, i got you some ice water and told you to sip it slowly. you’d had far too much for your little body to handle, you’d mixed your liquors the way they tell you not to and we both knew that you’d regret this when morning came, if not later that night, but in the moment nothing was better. ‘i wanna dance with somebody’   bwas playing loudly and you sang it, and i wasn’t drunk but i sang too. once the song had ended, it went back to some slow dance music and had you been able to even walk normally i would’ve asked to dance with you but i knew you’d just trip us both up, so we sat. you looked a little down so i asked if you were okay, and you told me you wanted to go home but you weren’t able to because you had to leave when your group did and then you put your head back down on the table and shut your eyes. i rubbed your back while you rested and you were sweaty and hot to the touch. i almost took you back to stay at my place but i was also going to leave with my group, to go to a friend’s house after the dance. eventually you headed back to the bathroom and didn’t come out until i was walking out the door. you waved a sloppy wave as i left, i thought about giving you a hug but i restrained myself but i really wish i had. school was let out shortly after prom and soon you’d have to go home, we only saw each other two more times after that, once at graduation, where i met your mother and we hugged for a long time and then again at the memorial day parade we marched in together the day before you left. it was hot and i thought it was funny, we were wearing our band uniforms the first time we met and the last time we’d see each other for a while. as we walked away from one another i said “love you man” and you said “i love you too” and that was that, it was too hot to hug and the next day you flew home, and now it’s been 20 days since you left and i cant wait to see you again, you sent me a sweatshirt a few days ago and i’m taking it to me when i go to college. i keep your little paper heart and a polaroid of you and me in my phone case and even though we live so far apart now i love you and i hope you’re doing okay.