Surprise
I sit in detention, doodling on my paper. Kylie, Maisy, and Stacy sit clustered together in the back corner of the room. I should have known this would happen. I never should have cut class with them the other day. Luckily, since it's my first offense, I only get one detention. Kylie and the other girls get five.Miss Emerson, the plump teacher with a sour face, sits in the front of the room. She glances at the clock and lets out a sigh. "Okay, you troublemakers. You may go." She waves us out of the room as the late bell rings. I hurry down the hall to the front of the school when I spot someone sitting in the corner, hunched over, clicking a Rubik's cube. I notice that they have the white face solved, and are working on the blue one. I call out to them. "You're supposed to do it in layers, not by faces."
The person looks up, and I blink in surprise.
"Sawyer?" I blurt out.
He smiles. "Tracie! I had no idea you went to this school."
"I didn't know you went here, either," I say, heading over to him. "Why are you here late?"
"Chess club," he sighs. "You?"
My face reddens. "Detention." When I see his confused look, I rush to explain. "The popular crowd invited me to cut classes with them."
Sawyer frowns. "And you went along with it?"
"Well, it's not every day that the popular kids say you can hang out with them."
"Tracie, be honest with yourself: How much of it was hanging out, and how much was them pranking you?"
"They did not prank me!" I exclaim. "We played a game where I stood in the middle of the mall and kissed a random, unsuspecting stranger that walked by." I blush, feeling silly. "Well, maybe it was a prank. But they still invited me."
Sawyer sighs. "Tracie... I don't think you should be spending time around them."
I groan. "So you're one of those people? The 'Oh, popular kids are all bad, and blonde cheerleaders are dumb'?"
Sawyer's face turns red. "They verbally assault me at least once a day, Tracie. They copy my homework and the homework of some of the other nerds. They called my dad a scumbag."
"Well... I'm sure your dad's not really a scumbag, right?" I say, trying to lighten the mood.
Sawyer looks down at his lap. "My dad's dead."
I gape at him. "Oh my god, Sawyer! I'm so sorry!"
He looks away. "Yeah, well, there's nothing we can do about it now, is there?" He stuffs his Rubik's cube into his bag and stands up. "Where do you live?"
"State Street."
"You're kidding! So do I!"
I shyly smile. "Want to.. walk home.. together?"
He winks and links his arm in mine. "Absolutely!"
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Sorry for all of the harsh judgement. I really LOVE all of your writing, but this story just didn't cut it for me.
She was stealing because she was trying to be popular and thought that maybe stealing things would give her some street cred.
They DO get in trouble, I just haven't written that part yet.
Her reason? Well, she's just tired of being unpopular and wants people to notice her. (I, for one, am FINE with being an unpopular weirdo.)
It's okay. Thanks for the feedback. And thanks for loving my writing. :)
I don't think this story was one of my best, either..
It's good, but not as good as your work usually is. I really don't understand what she was doing accepting a makeover from a random homeless guy in the first place. There are several grammar and spelling errors. Also, her mom would definitely recognize her. Even with the contacts, she would (at the very LEAST) think that the face was familiar. Also, how See More does a quick makeover give a girl fashion sense? And why the heck was a random homeless guy giving out makeovers using equipment that cost at least $500 for just $100? And why weren't her parents at least a LITTLE mad that she'd gone out and dyed her hair and gotten contacts without even texting them?...
Also, she accepted the makeover because she was very desperate, and she wanted to be "undercover." She was worried See More that someone from her school would see her getting a makeover if she got one in the mall or something. She wanted to have people think she was a completely different person (yes, I know I need to make that WAY more obvious).
And her mom was taking a quick glance, so she wouldn't recognize her.
And it didn't give her "fashion sense" - she just assumed it would.
Also, her parents were kinda mad, but she's a teenager, and they just assume it's normal for teenagers to do that.
Finally, can you please give me an example of one of the spelling or grammar errors? I read it quickly and didn't pick up on any.
She's 15-16, but I think I'll make her 16.
And it's fine. I've made that mistake many times before. :)
(But still, exactly how old is she? Is she a freshman or a senior?)
Looking back, I'm actually mistaken. I thought you misspelled a word, but it's actually spelled correctly. My bad.