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My name is Tracie Parker and I am terribly unpopular. No one at school pays attention to me, I get picked last for sports teams, and I sit alone at lunch. What could be worse than that, right?So that's why I'm sitting on a crate, in a dark alley, as a homeless man gives me a makeover.
"Call me Jim," he'd said, so that's what I call him.
He takes a pair of scissors and chops off my hair. It used to go halfway down my back, but now it's in a bob. Jim puts the flashlight in his mouth and hands me a mirror. I look.. different. He begins the painstaking process of dyeing my hair. It is incredibly boring, just sitting here, but worth it.
Jim gives me a pair of contacts. They'll make my eyes green, and they're brown now. I pop them in. For a homeless man, Jim sure has a bunch of high-tech equipment - he used a machine to create contact lenses that were the same prescription as my glasses.
Finally, Jim stands up and brushes himself off. "Look in the mirror, kid," he says.
My once long and brown hair is now short and blonde. My once brown eyes are nor bright green. My once plain ears are now pierced with diamond earrings.
"Girlie-" Jim warns. "Your payment."
I reach in my pocket and withdraw a $100 bill. He snatches it from me and tucks it into the pocket on his apron. "You're free to go."
Smiling, I stand up and walk out of the alley. The sidewalk is bustling with people, and not one of them stops to tease me. Before, random strangers would pause and give me funny looks, but now-
My thoughts are interrupted by my phone ringing. I pick it up and answer it. "Mom?"
"Tracie, where have you been? It's past 11:00 and you need to get home right now-"
"Mom, I'm okay, you don't have to fuss-"
"-your father and I are very disappointed-"
"I'm really fine, Mom, you shouldn't treat me like a kid anymore-"
"-abducted or kidnapped-"
"MOM." I say through clenched teeth. "I'm coming home."
"Well, good! You'd better be home by midnight."
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Sorry for all of the harsh judgement. I really LOVE all of your writing, but this story just didn't cut it for me.
She was stealing because she was trying to be popular and thought that maybe stealing things would give her some street cred.
They DO get in trouble, I just haven't written that part yet.
Her reason? Well, she's just tired of being unpopular and wants people to notice her. (I, for one, am FINE with being an unpopular weirdo.)
It's okay. Thanks for the feedback. And thanks for loving my writing. :)
I don't think this story was one of my best, either..
It's good, but not as good as your work usually is. I really don't understand what she was doing accepting a makeover from a random homeless guy in the first place. There are several grammar and spelling errors. Also, her mom would definitely recognize her. Even with the contacts, she would (at the very LEAST) think that the face was familiar. Also, how See More does a quick makeover give a girl fashion sense? And why the heck was a random homeless guy giving out makeovers using equipment that cost at least $500 for just $100? And why weren't her parents at least a LITTLE mad that she'd gone out and dyed her hair and gotten contacts without even texting them?...
Also, she accepted the makeover because she was very desperate, and she wanted to be "undercover." She was worried See More that someone from her school would see her getting a makeover if she got one in the mall or something. She wanted to have people think she was a completely different person (yes, I know I need to make that WAY more obvious).
And her mom was taking a quick glance, so she wouldn't recognize her.
And it didn't give her "fashion sense" - she just assumed it would.
Also, her parents were kinda mad, but she's a teenager, and they just assume it's normal for teenagers to do that.
Finally, can you please give me an example of one of the spelling or grammar errors? I read it quickly and didn't pick up on any.
She's 15-16, but I think I'll make her 16.
And it's fine. I've made that mistake many times before. :)
(But still, exactly how old is she? Is she a freshman or a senior?)
Looking back, I'm actually mistaken. I thought you misspelled a word, but it's actually spelled correctly. My bad.