Right In Front of Me (Finished)

Chapter 22: Smash the Pain

I walk swiftly through the chilled air, my heeled boots slamming down on the sidewalk harder and harder with each step. I have to know. The coldness of the air doesn't even phase me, because I have so much adrenaline pumping through my veins. My iPod blasts 'Come With Me Now' By Kongos. I am walking to the fast beat of the song, wishing to be there at the park bench already, because I am not sure how much longer I can go without knowing if he really loves me.
        Finally, ten minutes later, I am there. At the bench. I sit down on the bench, and adjust my glasses. I tell myself not to be so angry, and not to act so outraged; especially once Hayden gets here, because he technically has not done anything to make me mad... yet. Okay, not technically; not at all. He has done nothing wrong yet. Yet... Then why am I so mad? I ask myself. Because Greyson might end up being right. About everything, and I will be crushed and have to tell him he was... r-right.
        At some point, my glasses are fogging up too much, so I remove them to clean them. I am wiping the lenses with the hem of my skirt when a familiar voice says, "Avalon, hey, there you are." It was Hayden, who was sitting next to me now. Before I can say anything, he kisses me, which turns into us making out, briefly. A tear slides down my cheek as I think of how muck I will miss kissing him if he doesn't accept me now. I wipe the tear away before he sees it, and I force myself to disconnect our lips. I look at him, and slowly put on my glasses. He narrows his eyes, confused.
        "Avalon? Is that you? It couldn't be. I'm very sorry, miss," He says standing up. I grab his wrist, and he turns back to look at me. "It is... me. Avalon, your-" I start to say. "Avalon? What are you doing?" He asks, sitting back down, then glancing around to see if anyone he knew was here. I get it. He doesn't want anyone to see him with Miss popular nerd, a girl who looks confused about who she really is. But that is the moment when I really believe that this is me. "I am revealing myself to you, Hayden." I say simply. I can see that a million things fly through his head as he tries to interpret what I mean. He settles on one conclusion and says, quietly, and still glancing around, "If you mean that you want to... have sex... that is not what I meant by that text message this morning. And I'm not sure I want to... have sex with you... at all. Like, ever..." He says, finally looking at me, sheepishly. I feel a thousand pound hammer slam into my heart.
        "That was- in no way- what I was trying to say. But now I'm not sure you deserve an explanation. Either way, I have to explain it to you, so I can get some closure." I tell him. He glances around a little more, then tilts his head at me in confusion. "Hi. My name is Avalon Sabrina Starr. And who I am... is not who you think I am. I am not little- miss- perfect, or even a popular girl at heart. I am... this. I wear big nerdy glasses, and I am quieter and shyer than you think when it comes to talking or doing things with guys. The farthest I have ever gone with a guy... was with you. I do not put this much effort into my hair or my outfits, or even what I say. At least, I didn't before... before I totally changed at the end of the summer. I changed into the person you were dating. But in reality, you were never dating me. You were dating a fake me. A-and I'm sorry for that. I really am. But I had to show you who I really was. And, I guess now I am a little bit of who I was before I changed, and a little bit of the version of me that you knew, because I am still the old me, but I put more effort into my appearance than before. But I am really sorry I did that to you, although I really only did it because I didn't think that you would like the real me." He stares at me, dumbfounded by what he just heard me tell him.
        He shakes his head, then glances some more to see if anyone here is worth getting embarrassed in front of. I can help it. It's really pissing me off that he is more worried about his reputation than what I am saying. "Stop it! Stop looking for anyone you should be embarrassed in front of for being with freaky nerd girl, okay?! I am having a conversation with you, Hayden! Answer me! Say something!" I shout, retrieving the attention of many strangers. He says, "I can't date a faker." I nod, then look at him and say, "Yeah, well, it's a little too late for that, because you have been doing so for months." He replies, "I can't continue to date a poser. I-I put my everything into our relationship. I never kept anything from you. I was always being me. Did you really think I was that shallow that I couldn't accept you?" I say back, "I was wrong about a lot of things, Hayden. You, me, and all of the populars at our school, for that matter. I thought that you were all this- this certain way. That all of you were shallow. But I was wrong. I met so many great people who were popular, and they were nothing like I expected." I say, thinking of Yolanda, Taylor, Mason, Jackson, Lana, and Mercedes. "I grouped you with the few popular people who ever paid attention to me before. They always made fun of me, so I figured that all populars were like that, when, really, the majority of them aren't. They are just... more well-known and liked than other people. That doesn't mean that they are mean, 'cause then why would everyone like them? I am really, really sorry Hayden. But I really think that you could get to know the real me, and we could try and start over, totally honest. I am willing to do the work it will take to get us back to the way we were. But the question is, are you willing to?" I finish and let the words sink into his head.
        He slowly shakes his head, then says, "No. No, I am not. I'm sorry, but you broke what we had before. And I'm not sure I am ready to continue this. It would be too draining, trying to be the way we were before, when we would really be all fake on the inside. And it would eat us up inside, faking the whole time. But you should know how that feels, right?" I can hear his effort in keeping his tears from spilling out of his eyes by the way he speaks. He stares for a few seconds while a tear escapes from my eye. But I don't even bother to wipe it away. There was no point. I watch him as he gets up and turns to leave, but then turns back to me and says, "I can't believe I got you this." He throws a small velvet box at the ground in front of my bag on the ground. He walks away after that, and that was the last time I ever saw Hayden when he was my boyfriend.
        It's strange; having Hayden as my boyfriend was all I ever wanted, but I know that now, there have to be bigger things than a high school relationship, right? I pick up the box and slowly open it, but once I see what's in it, I am about to cry. I toss it in my bag, and run home.

***

        I run into the house and into my room, throwing my bag on the floor of my bedroom. I whip off my jacket, toss it on my bed. I run straight to my window, open it and cross the bridge to Greyson's window. I don't even care that we are in a fight; I open the window, flying into his room and collapse onto his bed on top of him. He sits up a little bit, startled, then relaxes, and strokes my back while I cry into his shirt. He asks what happened a few minutes later, and I tell him. Then, I tell him about the bow Hayden threw at me. "What was in it?" He asks. I sigh, and retrieve it from my room. I go back into his room, and see him sitting on the edge of his bed. I sit perpendicular to him on the bed with my legs across his lap.
        I open the lid slowly, and look at his face for his expression. He looks at it, then gives me a hug, and says, "I'm sorry. But at least you know the truth now," He is right. Because in the box was a heart-shaped necklace, that said 'I Love You'. Which he has never said to me. He was going to say it to me tonight, but I broke him. He must be hurting more than I though, because he loved me.
        "Are you okay?" Greyson asks. I shake my head, but say, "You know, he may have loved me according to the necklace, but I think that he was completely wrong. Poor guy thought that he was really in love, when the person he thought he loved, wasn't that person at all. And that just goes to show that, he barely knows what the word love means. He used it improperly. And you know what? I didn't love him. I thought I did, and if you asked me five months ago, I would have said I loved him, but I didn't know what love meant either. What teenager does?" Greyson shrugs, then grabs my legs, and shoulders, and slides us further back on his bed. He leans against his pillows, and I put my head on his shoulder and curl up in a ball on his lap. I take off my skirt and toss it onto the floor, since I still have leggings on. He puts his arms around me like I'm a baby, and we lay there for a while.
        The next morning, I wake up in Greyson's bed, and find that he is nowhere to be seen. I go down to his kitchen, to find his parents in the kitchen eating breakfast. I say, "Oh, good morning." They say good morning back, and I ask where Greyson is. "Oh, he said something about going to your house." Mrs. Montana informs me. I say, "Oh, okay, thank y-" but then I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, and say, "Oh, gosh, I look dreadful, excuse me." I exit the kitchen, and go back into Greyson's room, then use the bridge to get into my room. I make my way down to the kitchen to see Greyson, Summer, Brian, my mom, and my dad all having breakfast. They all turn to look at me when I enter the room.
        An explosion of greetings and 'how-did-you-sleep?'s and similar sayings goes off in the room, and everyone is being overly nice. My brother pulls out a seat for me. I look at all of them strangely, then scratch my head and say, "Yeah, hi..." I sit down at the table and grab a donut from a Duncan Donuts box. Greyson says, "Eat up fast, Avalon, because we have plans today." I look at him and nod slowly, confused. I look at the rest of the people in the room, to see them all smiling suspiciously. This is just getting too creepy.
        
        Greyson gives me twenty minutes to get dressed, without telling me where exactly we are going. "Don't feel like you need to dress up for this. It's just me. No need to try and impress," He told me before I got dressed. I walk out of my room twenty minutes later and see Greyson standing out there texting someone on his phone. He looks up and frowns. "I said you didn't have to dress nice." He tells me. "I'm not." I state, slipping on my Dr. Martens boots. We get in his truck, and drive around, here and there, to a few hardware stores.
        When we walk into Lowe's, and walk straight to the area with the... sledge-hammers? Why are we going to the sledge-hammers? I wonder. We walk into the aisle, and he grabs one, and we go to check-out. I ask, "Why are we buying a sledge-hammer?" He says, "You'll see."
        After we leave Lowe's, we go to the junkyard, and Greyson fills up the back of his truck with old computers from the '80's, some old, beat-up bookshelves, and a bunch of other miscellaneous things, and we drive off, toward the an old warehouse. Wait, what? Why an old warehouse?!
        He pulls up next to the entrance to the warehouse, and I help him unload everything. He pulls a big boom box out of the back as well, and then he goes to park the truck while I stand guard. He returns with the sledge-hammer, and tells me to follow him. We take trips bringing all of the old stuff inside. Once everything is inside, I ask why we are here. He switches on the light.
        He says, "Are you mad?" I say, "Wait, what?" He repeats, "Are. You. Mad? About this whole messed-up situation we found ourselves in?" I shrug. He continues, "Do you feel like there are still problems remaining? Are you hurting?" I say, "Well, yeah," Then Greyson says, simply, "Smash it. Smash your problems. Take out your anger on these things, instead of people. Smash the pain." He hands me the sledge-hammer, then turns on the boom box. 'Chandelier' by Sia is playing.
        I think of the necklace Hayden threw at me. I think of everything that Greyson has said that hurt me, I think of Hallie kissing Greyson, and me crying about it. I think of Hayden kissing me, and me crying, knowing that was our last kiss. I take the sledge hammer, and walk toward the pile of old crap that no wanted, so they abandoned it at a junkyard. I think of Owen, and how he hurt me last year. I never dealt with my anger from back then. I just cried, and I never really realized how angry I still am about it. I swing the sledge-hammer back, and slam it down hard on the old computer. I do it again, harder.
        It gets easier and easier every time to keep hitting it. It feels strong. Powerful. I hear Greyson shouting over the music, things like, "That's good! Great! Harder! Hit it harder! I can't feel your anger! Do it again! Yeah!" Eventually, everything is just a big pile of rubble. I keep hitting, though, and I keep doing it harder and harder. I keep doing this for at least a half hour. I feel strong. Dangerously strong. I hear Greyson say, "Yeah! Great! W-wait, no, Avalon! Okay, slow down. A little softer, now. Avalon, stop!" He runs to me, and I collapse onto the rubble, but he gets there just in time to catch me. He holds me behind the neck with one hand and with the other hand he holds me up a little by having his hand on my mid-back, over his lap as he kneels on the floor. I crumple into a ball, and he says, "Avalon, I know it's painful, I know, but this is good. Get it out. Cry, scream, smash things; this is good." I didn't even realize that I was crying until he said it. I just feel numb. He holds me as 'Human' by Christina Perri plays, and encaptures the whole room into its lyrics. I think the songs Greyson chose to play right now are perfect for the situation. I am shackled by the pain. I am a slave to it. I just sit there while it churns around inside of me, and burns up all of my energy. It takes over my body, and I do what Greyson told me to; I scream. I scream so loudly that you can barely hear the next song playing, 'Fall for You' by Secondhand Serenade. This song alone could make me scream. It makes so much sense, and there are so many emotions that come with it. Greyson smiles. "Scream. Scream again. I want to Paris to hear it. I want Russia to feel your pain." I sob some more, and then...
I scream.
Then I do it again. And again.
And finally, I am so out of energy and I am so drained, that I just stop screaming altogether. I cry a little more, but then...
I just pass out.