Poetry Collection (2020)

Internal Strife

There are times in which I allow my mind to wonder.
I think of time, permanence, or rather the lack thereof, and my meaning for being here.
Where once I found solitude and the answers to those perplexes, I now find not only a lack of evidence, but a desire to cling to it more.
This divide in my mind and soul beats my body into submission.
I tremble at the thought of a finite time, but so too do I dread an unending life.
At some point I wish to cease existing, to be swallowed by the void, an end to boredom when all desires have been fulfilled.
But satisfaction of others, the possibility of life and of body, for that to end, for the chain to break, is saddening and disheartening.
For without progress, a need to continue on, what good is life, let alone my own.
If I were to stop existing, what consequences would really come.
Sadness?
A finite reaction, especially on the scale of eternity.
In a trillion trillion trillion years when our galaxy ceases to exist and so too does man, what good will have come of humanity's existence.
The only solace in this thought is God, but what's the point of him?
Why live for eternity only to worship the one thing that brought you into existence for the sole purpose of worshipping him?
And to do so unending forever?
People may speak of God's love, but what does that mean, for him to love us.
Not sending us to eternity in misery for doing that we may desire after he spontaneously created us against our wills?
So rather we spend eternity worshipping him for not sending us to hell?
I do not understand this.
The conundrum in my mind is this.
Either I believe in a pointless existence where I revel in euphoric discovery and soaking of knowledge,
Or I cling to a reason for living, but one that does not satisfy and seems bleak.
And what if I choose wrong?
By chance God does exist, and he does love us by some meaning I do not understand, and I forsake him,
Do I damn myself to eternity in hell?
That doesn't seem fair does it? Especially when I do indeed seek the truth, I want to know.
In other words, it leaves me without choice.
Does that not contradict his very reason for creating us?
Giving us the knowledge of heaven or hell in so doing takes away our choice to love.
It rather becomes a choice made of fear. Either spend eternity at his feet or burn in hell for eternity.
The third option being simply to ignore it all and focus on your life in the moment, and if he is real, you burn anyway.

I don't know what to do.
I don't want to exist.