I’m on my way to the local mental hospital so if I disappear for a while that’s why
on December 07, 2018
my therapist thinks I have borderline personality disorder and I don’t and I’m scared
on December 07, 2018
on December 06, 2018
on December 06, 2018
im doing better
on December 06, 2018
i go from whacking my peepee to suicidal thoughts in a matter of seconds gotta love being mentally ill
on December 06, 2018
tw// depression ; suicidal thoughts
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I just feel so done. I’m failing all my classes. I feel like none of my friends actually like me. My family hates me. My own mother doesn’t love me. Literally the only thing that’s kept me going is going with the band to the Rose Parade. That’s it. Little things come up here and there, like PINOF, that’s my short term reason to live right now. But currently, my will to live expires March 28th. But if I end up failing a class I’m gonna See More do it. If I live, my life will end up being a failure and I’ll be stuck at home and have to live in shame forever. So if can’t get my grades up in less than 2 weeks, it’s over for me. The second those grades get updated, if I’m not passing even one, I’m taking all my fücking pills, and nobody can stop me. I’m untalented, ugly, dumb, unmotivated, and just generally a mess and a burden on everyone.
Nobody has ever truly loved me. Not my family, not my friends, and definitely not a significant other. All I want is to be successful and be loved and I have neither of those things, and I probably never will.
I still feel little bits of joy sometimes, but the constant nagging reminder that I’ll never be enough just is whispering in my mind. The voices in my head telling me to hurt myself are getting louder by the minute and I want it to stop.
I’m guessing if you’ve read this far, you’re probably going to ask if I’m okay and if I need to talk. You’re probably worried just enough to comment, but not enough to truly care. If you do care though, don’t. I’m not worth your thoughts.
I don’t know what else to say. I’m really struggling and I want it all to go away. Everybody says that “grades don’t define you” but they FÜCKING DO. If I don’t get into college, or get a decent job, my life will be pitiful and awful and I’ll wish I had just ended it all, wouldn’t I? And if grades don’t define you, then why the fück does the school counselor say it does? She’s more qualified than a bunch of tumblr teens.
In conclusion, I have lived long enough and I’m ready to go. I’m going to stay at least until January 2nd though, because I don’t want to upset anyone until after the California trip. I want my friends to be able to enjoy it. I live for others, I’ve never lived for myself. But other people don’t matter to me anymore. In fact, sometimes the don’t even feel real. I often feel like everything is just nothing and I’m just making this all up and when I die I can stop dreaming. So that’s what I’ll do. Stop dreaming.
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I just feel so done. I’m failing all my classes. I feel like none of my friends actually like me. My family hates me. My own mother doesn’t love me. Literally the only thing that’s kept me going is going with the band to the Rose Parade. That’s it. Little things come up here and there, like PINOF, that’s my short term reason to live right now. But currently, my will to live expires March 28th. But if I end up failing a class I’m gonna See More do it. If I live, my life will end up being a failure and I’ll be stuck at home and have to live in shame forever. So if can’t get my grades up in less than 2 weeks, it’s over for me. The second those grades get updated, if I’m not passing even one, I’m taking all my fücking pills, and nobody can stop me. I’m untalented, ugly, dumb, unmotivated, and just generally a mess and a burden on everyone.
Nobody has ever truly loved me. Not my family, not my friends, and definitely not a significant other. All I want is to be successful and be loved and I have neither of those things, and I probably never will.
I still feel little bits of joy sometimes, but the constant nagging reminder that I’ll never be enough just is whispering in my mind. The voices in my head telling me to hurt myself are getting louder by the minute and I want it to stop.
I’m guessing if you’ve read this far, you’re probably going to ask if I’m okay and if I need to talk. You’re probably worried just enough to comment, but not enough to truly care. If you do care though, don’t. I’m not worth your thoughts.
I don’t know what else to say. I’m really struggling and I want it all to go away. Everybody says that “grades don’t define you” but they FÜCKING DO. If I don’t get into college, or get a decent job, my life will be pitiful and awful and I’ll wish I had just ended it all, wouldn’t I? And if grades don’t define you, then why the fück does the school counselor say it does? She’s more qualified than a bunch of tumblr teens.
In conclusion, I have lived long enough and I’m ready to go. I’m going to stay at least until January 2nd though, because I don’t want to upset anyone until after the California trip. I want my friends to be able to enjoy it. I live for others, I’ve never lived for myself. But other people don’t matter to me anymore. In fact, sometimes the don’t even feel real. I often feel like everything is just nothing and I’m just making this all up and when I die I can stop dreaming. So that’s what I’ll do. Stop dreaming.
As for people caring about you, I'm sorry that you feel nobody cares about you. I know what it's like to have a mother who doesn't love you. My biological mother abandoned me. That doesn't define me, and it doesn't have to define you. If your mother isn't a good mother, that's on her. Your real family is made up of the people you choose to have in your life. See More And if there's nobody you have in your life you can consider family right now, there's no guarantee that'll last forever. I'm not going to lie and say that I love you the way you want to be loved. But I do care about you. And I don't want you to die. And I'd be really happy to get to know you better and eventually become your friend. You're a smart, funny, talented, compassionate, and important person.
on December 06, 2018
Milo, I know it feels like your grades right now are the end of the world, but I promise they're not. You can always retake your classes. There's absolutely no shame in retaking anything. I know several people who failed the same classes more than once. Yeah, it sucked, but they persevered and got through it. And now they're going on to be successful. There are See More also a ton of people who didn't even finish high school and still went on to be successful. There are other options than just pass the first time or die.
on December 06, 2018
on December 06, 2018
wake up in the morning
whack my peepee
whack my peepee
@aeipathy
now i have... philussy
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/9f/05/a2/9f05a246a097f62214b0bd2468587bce.jpg
now i have... philussy
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/9f/05/a2/9f05a246a097f62214b0bd2468587bce.jpg
on December 05, 2018
on December 05, 2018
it's almost krampusnacht !!!
on December 04, 2018
i want the voices to go away
alright
if you ever need anything urgent, let me know
please please please be careful, milo!!! we care about you too much to lose you. gn. ??
if you ever need anything urgent, let me know
please please please be careful, milo!!! we care about you too much to lose you. gn. ??
on December 03, 2018
@aeipathy no, you can go to sleep. tbh i'll probably just play the sims until I'm tired enough to sleep
and to answer your question i take meds but they don't help my insomnia a ton
and to answer your question i take meds but they don't help my insomnia a ton
on December 03, 2018
do you take medicine for it? if not, try closing your eyes and list your favorite characters in alphabetical order. if you mess up, pause, or hesitate, start over.
I’ll stay on as long as you need me to.
I’ll stay on as long as you need me to.
on December 03, 2018
@aeipathy i wish i could but I'm supposed to be asleep but i have too much insomnia
my parents don't know i have my computer
my parents don't know i have my computer
on December 03, 2018
on December 03, 2018
if you need anything, please let me know and ill do anything i can to help