Jack Nick
A Visit from St. Nicholsonby Twisted Radio
T'was the fright before Christmas
No one up 'cept me
With a big bowl of popcorn
Watching TV
I stretched, gave a yawn
Settled back in my chair
In hopes that St Nicholson
Soon would be there
The children were lying
Awake without sleep
They’d seen all his movies,
He gives them the creeps
I’d cued up Cuckoo’s Nest
With my trusty remote,
To the part where he had
All the nuts in the boat
When out in the yard
There arose such a noise
I turned off the TV
To see what it was
And what to my wondering eyes
Should approach
But the Los Angeles Lakers
And Pat Riley, their coach.
The limo was racing,
The team at its heels,
That's when I saw him,
The man at the wheel.
He ranted and cursed,
Waved ‘round his swizzle stick
And I knew in a second
It must be Jack Nic.
More rapid than the Celtics,
These Lakers, they came
He screamed like a madman
And called them by name,
”Now, Magic, now Worthy,
Now Scott and Kareem,
On Cooper, on Rambus,
And the rest of the team.”
Down the chimney St Nicholson
Came with a groan
Then he brushed off the soot and said,
“Honey, I’m home.”
He was wearing a trenchcoat
With beer it was stained,
And a shirt clawed to shreads
By Shirley McLaine.
He had a fat face
And a flabby beer belly
From too many trips
To the bar and the deli
”It’s tough when an actor
Becomes fat and lazy
I only get calls to play
Weirdos and crazies
And middle-aged has-beens
With washed-up careers,
But I’ll fix ‘em all
And play Santa this year!”
And with that he buried
His head in his sack,
And said, “Let’s see what you get
From your old buddy Jack.
A hatchet for Daddy,”
He reared back his head,
”To scare all those little buggers
Upstairs in bed.
And a stiff drink for Mommy
In a nice, tall glass
She could really use something
To kill that bug up her chimney.”
With a wink of his eye
And a twist of his face,
He threw all the stockings
Into the fireplace.
What could I do,
What could I say?
What would I wear
On my feet Christmas Day?
I asked for a reason, and
Turning his head
He looked straight at me,
And here’s what he said:
”Why? You wanna know why?
Do you really wanna know why, pal?
I’ll tell you why.
When you're out Christmas shopping
You know, doing your little Christmas things
With all your little Christmas friends
Spreading all that Christmas cheer
With those stupid Christmas songs?
Did you ever stop to think
Of picking up a little something for ol’ Jack? Huh?
Did you ever stop to think
What Jack might like for Christmas?
You know, Jack, from the movies?
Up on the big screen?
Pouring his heart out
Giving it everything he’s got
Day in and day out
Just trying as hard as he can
To bring a tiny little bit of sunshine
Into your miserable little hum-drum lives?
Did you ever thing of good ol’ Jack?
Huh?
For a second?
No! Not once!
Maybe ol' Jack just wasn't that good, huh?
Maybe I wasn’t good enough in The Postman Always Rings Twice.
Acted my guts out for you in that one.
Cuckoo’s Nest.
The Shining.
Witches of freakin' Eastwick.
Pritzie’s freakin’ Honor.
All for you, pal.
Just to brighten things up for ya.
Not good enough, though, is it?
No, you want me to brighten up the Christmas season too, huh?
Isn’t that what you want, pal?
OK, let’s make things real bright around here.
Whataya say we decorate the tree?
String up these pretty lights here
Oh, she's looking brighter already
Why don’t we take this cute little angel
And ram her on the top branch.
Huh? Huh?
How about some gasoline for the whole freakin' thing?
I mean, let’s make her just as bright as she can be.
Whataya say we light her up and chuck her through the ol’ picture window here, huh, pal?
No sense having a tree as bright as all that
And not giving the neighbors a chance to see
Don't ya think? Huh?
There. Aren’t you glad ol’ Jack stopped by, huh? huh?”
The flames towered brightly
In the cold wintery sky
As he made for his limo
And bade his goodbye.
And an age may unfold
Ere I fail to regret
That visit from St Nicholson
Which I’d sooner forget
But I swear by the goosebumps
Upon my skin
That I’ll always remember
That devilish grin
And his voice crying out,
Ere he faded from sight,
“Merry Christmas to all, and I hope I never see you again as long as I live, for cryin' out loud ...”
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