It's okay to let go
"He's at work." I reply, suppressing a sigh. He works most Saturdays to contribute to his parent's rent, as they don't make enough to pay it.
"He works? But he's in college, shouldn't he be studying?" Jimin asks. Jimin, who's roommate is Jungkook, is sitting on Hoseok's bed.
None of the guys know Hoseok's life problems, only I do. We stay up talking about this stuff when we can't sleep. I've been talking to Hoseok's mom lately and even though she's trying to stay positive, I can't help but feel bad because I know how much they're struggling right now.
My family is helping out any way we can, but that can't prevent some financial problems. I nod with a sigh.
"Yeah you know, family stuff," I say quietly. They all nod.
"Why don't we... go visit him at work?" Jungkook suggests, hearing a disapproving grunt from me.
"No cause he can get fired and he really needs that job," I say, not giving an explanation as to why he needs the job so bad.
"Oh..." he says softly, looking down at the floor.
"So Tae... do you like anyone yet?" Jimin, being the nosy little sh*t he is, asks.
I glare at him and stick my tongue out. He laughs and shakes his head in victory. The guys know I like someone, but they probably think it's some girl from one of our classes. Boy are they wrong.
"No but seriously, who's the lucky girl?" Yoongi asks. I almsot flinch when he says girl, but I refrain. How would they react if they knew it wasn't a girl, but a guy? And they already know him very well. Not as well as I do though... but would they accept me?
"Hey Tae,you okay?" Jungkook asks, giving me a strange look. I nod with a smile, giving a soft sigh that only he sees. He nods, letting it drop, and looking over at Yoongi.
"Hyung, how's that one beautiful girl in your photography class that you have a huge crush on but unfortunately have no chance with because she has a boyfriend?" Jimin says with a devious smile.
"Oh shut it you!!!" Yoongi yells, smacking him upside the head, not hard enough to seriously hurt hum, but just hard enough to make him wince.
"Ah! But hey it's true!!" He yells back, making Jungkook and I laugh. Jungkook sits next to me on the bed, putting his arm around my neck. I lean into him, getting comfortable. He smiles and we watch as Jimin and Yoongi yell stupid remarks back and forth.
I glance over at Jungkook, noticing his features. His reddish hair done perfectly, his smile that's beautiful, eyes in little crescents. His cute little bunny-like teeth show, his happiness warming up the room. He laughs, a pure sound like a happy child that rings throughout the room.
He looks so sweet and kind, like a small child, but in a college students form. It's like he has so much hope and happiness in his life. He still has a dream, unlike most people I used to know, he still has one. He's filled with passion and love and determination, something I really admire about him.
He has so much talent too. He's an amazing singer, dancer and rapper, so it would only make sense that he has confidence, but he's not the kind of person that lets all the people saying he's great go to his head.
He knows what it's like to struggle in life, especially when he was younger. He's had a rough life, his dad's been in and out of jail for a while now and when he was little he didn't always have a place to live. But he's worked hard so far and its paid off pretty well.
"I'm starting to get annoyed. My lower back has been hurting for like an hour now and it's really starting to bug me." I grumble, changing my sitting position.
"Why?" Jimin asks, turning his attention to me.
"I don't know," I admit, the sharp pain in my lower back shooting up my spine causing me to wince, which Kookie feels.
"Maybe you're getting sick again?" He asks, and I nod. I've been having back problems for a while, but the doctors said that stress can be the cause, and that was when I was sick a few months ago with pneumonia.
The pain should have been gone but it hasn't gone away, just gradually gotten worse, to the point where I don't like to have the be in the same position anymore.
"Hey, how about we go get some food and you can take medicine for it," Yoongi offers.
I look at him for a minute and he sighs.
"Tae you have to eat," he says. There was a time in my life where I just stopped wanting food, stopped smiling and stopped talking. It happened when my grandparents and I were on our way to church early morning. It had been snowing the night before, roads icy the next day. It all happened in a matter of seconds, a truck ran us off the road.
I had to spend weeks in the hospital and lost two of the people I loved so much. I still remember that period of time when I would have people visit me in the hospital, but I wouldn't talk. I remember my parents crying because all I would do was look at them, feel nothing but the tingling heat of the IV dripping medicine into my veins to relieve the pain. But the truth is, even if I never had the medicine, I wouldn't feel a thing.
I remember how they had to feed me through a tube because I wouldn't accept the food they gave me. Not because it was bad but because I believed I should have wen with my grandparents, and I though that was the one way I could be with them again. When it would have been time to go home from the hospital I couldn't because I was too weak to walk, so they kept me for another month. I was drugged up the whole time, being force fed.
I had lost all the color in my life, my skin started to turn as white as the hospital walls and floor around me. I had lost so much weight to the point where you could almost see every bone in my body. I had become so weak that I couldn't even breathe on my own, they had to hook me up to a machine. I remember the doctor came in my room one evening to talk to me.
"I know it hurts. I know that you loved them. But they're watching over you now and they hate seeing you like this. You're dying Taehyung. You're dying because you won't eat and drink and your parents can't afford to have you here anymore. Your parents are worried about you. Your friend Hoseok is too. They're all in the waiting room right now but I don't think you want them to see you like this. You need to get better Tae. For your family, for your grandparents. They didn't want you to give up like this. Fight Taehyung... please..." he said, on the verge of tears. I had gotten close to my doctor over the time i was there. And it almost hurt to see him like that.
My family had come to visit me along with Hoseok and his family. His family had been helping to pay for my room while I was there, and I felt horrible. I remember looking into their eyes, all glazed over from crying, noses pink and faces puffy.
My mom and Hoseok were on opposite sides of me, holding my hands. My dad had burst out crying and went into the hallway, Hoseok's parents going with him to make sure he was okay.
The room was quiet except for the sniffles that my mom had tried to hold in, but ended up hiccuping, tears running down her face.
Hoseok leaned down to whisper in my ear.
"It's okay to let go Tae... let go if you can't keep fighting. I love you... but... please... if you're in pain," he whispered, holding my hand tighter now, tears streaming down his face. "Let go..." he whispered. That's the last thing I remembered before everything went black.
I wasn't done. I woke up about a week later and decided that I needed to be here. I needed to stay by his side and make sure that he was happy. I wanted to be dead. I thought I had deserved to die instead of them. I realized during my months of recovery that it just wasn't my time. And as the months passed by and Hoseok came to visit me everyday, I started to see the reason why I needed to be alive.
The guys are talking but I don't hear them, only see that their lips moving to form words that my brain all of a sudden can't process.
The room is really hot, which is strange coming from me, who's always cold. Usually my hands and feet feel like ice, and Hoseok forces me to wear socks and he holds my hands to warm them up.
I see sometimes that he worries about my health. I've been sick multiple times this year, having really bad headaches and chest pains but I tell him not to worry. He tries to take care of me the best he can, I don't really have an appetite, so on those days he leaves me food before he goes to class which I give to Jungkook, who gives me a worried look but accepts the food gratefully.
There are a few events in the past that would definitely worry him, so I never told him. I lie when it comes to my health. I do. I'd never want to hurt him or worry him...
"Tae?" Yoongi asks, hand in my face now. I see it there but don't respond. It feels like someone dumped a box of sand into my lungs. My throat gets dry, and I choke, trying to let the air pour into my lungs. But the hot "sand" is taking up too much room, not allowing the oxygen I need.
No.... not right now. Please... not now...
"Tae? Tae are you okay?" Yoongi asks, scooting towards me. I nod, starting to cough uncontrollably, and get up, stumbling to the bathroom. My vision is white and fuzzy but somehow I make it into the bathroom, locking it behing me. I grip the counter to keep myself from falling over, not covering my mouth as I cough.
The guys are banging on the bathroom door to me, but I keep my eyes clenched shut. My head feels like it's going to explode, and I can feel my legs get weak.
"TAEHYUNG IS YOU DON'T OPEN THE DOOR I'LL BREAK IT DOWN!!" Yoongi yells, all the other pounding on the door.
I continue coughing, clutching my stomach. I try my best to get my breathing under control but it's hard, because I'm on the floor now, clutching my stomach and praying that it will stop.
I cover my mouth in an attempt to drown out the sound so the guys don't worry much and after a few minutes the coughing dies down, my stomach and cheat hurting a lot, not to mention my head. I feel like I'm dying. I wouldn't worry about it, it's not like this was the first time ever that this has happened. The room is hot but I'm freezing, shivering uncontrollably.
"Tae?" Jungkook's quivering voice asks from behind the door. I hit it with my hand to let him know I'm okay but a wave of panic rushes over me when I see it. There's blood all over my hands, and on the floor in front of me mixed with a yellow gooish liquid.
"Guys... I need to be alone right now," I manage to say in a low voice. They grumble in response, probably worried but shuffle to the door, shutting it quietly behind them as they leave.
What am I going to do....
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