My Personal Hell

My Personal Hell

My souls craves attention.
I crave being noticed.
My biggest fear is being alone.
Even if it was just an acknowledgement to my existence,
it would make my day.
But for some reason...
I'm too quiet to be heard.
Sometimes I yell and scream out for help.
But nobody comes...
nobody listens...
and my fear suffocates me.
I am told that I am 'ugly'.
That I am 'pathetic'.
That I am an 'attention whore'.
I fall deep into these thoughts somedays.
Then I push everyone away.
Not purposefully.
But it's my reaction that always cycle through.
Sometimes, I do things that I regret.
Somedays I'll get mad at my parents or my siblings,
and I'll snap.
My anger that I keep in gets unleashed upon those I care and love.
I get even more angry.
Words pour out of my mouth that are targeted at one person.
But it's never at who I shout.
It is myself,
I curse and blame for everything.
I get angry when I say those words to my family,
and I drift further away.
I would usually punch concrete,
Or wood.
When it hurt, I'd just punch harder.
I punished myself.
For how I had been.
Never do I wish to unleash anger on anyone,
Except myself.
There are many times when I wish that no one cared,
That everyone hated me.
Then I would receive what I deserve.
I do not deserve to be loved...
I do not deserve anything...


There are other days,
when I recover from my self-created hell,
when my shield cracks open,
and I cry,
and cry,
and cry.
I just wish for it all to stop.
For it to go away.
But I cannot escape,
This harsh reality,
This curse,
This nightmare,
My life,
My depression,
And no matter what…
I can never escape my personal hell.