Fly Away (1)

A Harrowing Summer

It's the last day of school before the summer months start. It's a bitter day. A melancholy day. And yet the sun shines brightly and the grass is green as if nothing is wrong. And I have to pretend that nothing is wrong.

"Finally! Summer has arrived!" Arden exclaims in the shower. And I smile brightly, and hope it reaches my eyes.

"Yes!" I reply, "this is so great! Isn't it?"

"Oh absolutely! No more school for two months!"

"For two whole months. That's a nice long time."

"And I get to do whatever I want."

"That will be great! You deserve that freedom. You deserve a good break."

"I do. After that hell of a year."

"You have been through a lot this year. But you did it. You made it through."

"Be quiet now."

"Sure thing."

The shampoo brushes continue lathering him up and I have to turn away for a little bit to blink the tears out of my eyes.

After I send him off to school, all happiness and smiles, I rush to school myself. I rush to Ari.

We spend the whole day on the roof, kissing and talking. The last day is not a day of learning. It's just a day of fun. We don't need to be looking through the walls. We can bid each other goodbye. After all we won't be seeing each other for a whole two months. And I will miss him bitterly. And he will miss me.

His eyes are the same blue of the bright horizon. The wind blows through his dark curls. The sun makes his skin shine. He's unbelievably beautiful, sitting with his knees up and his back against the walls of the school roof. He's so beautiful I feel like my heart is breaking.

Because there isn't enough time. There's never enough time.

"Luca. I hate how I have to hide everything. I hate how I have to pretend to be alright. Even today."

"Well you know what you really are. And you don't have to pretend in front of me."

"You're so sweet."

"Thanks. So are you. But I hate having to pretend to be happy too. And I'll have to pretend all summer."

"It's going to be such a long summer without you. I'm so sorry. For both of us."

"I'm sorry too. And I'm angry. Why do we have to sneak around just to be together?"

"It's not fair. And we have to do something about it."

"Like what?"

"Have you ever thought about joining the resistance?"

I say nothing. I just look at him with wide, curious, wary, excited eyes.

"I've thought about it," I finally say, "but I think we're too young to take on that danger."

"You're probably right. But what about when we're older? Like in high school? Do you want to run away then?"

"It will be dangerous."

"Of course it will be dangerous. Do you want to go or not?"

I think about it for a while. In that time I move closer to Ari, so that I'm leaning against his side. He wraps an arm around me. And I lean my head against his shoulder.

"I want to go," I finally reply. "I want to at least try to get revenge against the owners for all they've done to us."

"I think so too. I want to get revenge. I hate being sweet and passive and submissive all the time."

"But what about my mother? She'll be all alone."

"Bring her along."

"Good plan."

"Thanks."

I lean towards him even more. And he does the same.

"Can I kiss you?" I ask.

"Yes."

We share a sweet, saccharine, intoxicating kiss. And another one. And another one. These will be our last kisses for a while. We have to make the most of them.

"I'll miss you so fcking much," Ari tells me.

"I'll miss you too. And I'll miss school."

"I'll miss school too. I love learning. It feels like the ultimate rebellion."

"It does. And it's nice to be able to use my mind. They think I'm just dumb and thoughtless. I hate it."

"I hate them. I wish I could tell them that all they think about you is wrong."

"Oh I wish I could do that too."

"I'll miss the time away from my owner."

"Of fck. I will too. I have to be beside him for two months straight."

"I swear I'll eventually snap."

"Please don't. I need to see you again next school year."

"Okay then. I'll keep myself in check. For you. Because I need to see you again too."

"I feel so free with you."

"I feel so free with you too."

After kisses and words and tears it's finally time for us to say good bye. My heart feels like it's breaking into a million pieces. But I go on. Because I have to.

I meet Arden outside the school. He hands me the bags and bags of his stuff that he has to take home today.

"How was your day, Arden?"

"Oh it was amazing. We played games all day."

"That's amazing. I'm glad. What games did you play?"

"We went out into one of the fields and we played quidditch."

"That sounds great. Did you enjoy it?"

"Oh absolutely."

"That's awesome. What position were you?"

"I was a chaser. It's not the best position but it's fun."

"At least your has fun. What position did you want to be?"

"A seeker."

"Ooh you'd be really good at that."

"I would, wouldn't I?"

We keep talking until we get home. Arden rests in one of the many plush sofas and I sit on the ground and massage his feet. He puts on a mini immie and lazily watches it, picking idly from the set storylines as he goes so that the story plays out exactly as he wants it to.

I hide my exhaustion.

———

The next day is the day of the party. Arden's parents throw a little party every year to celebrate him finishing another school year. It's a quiet affair, with only Arden's grandparents and aunt. But Arden loves this day. He says that it's better than his birthday. But I always find it hard to get through. Because pretending ecstasy on the first day of summer is always hard.

At least I don't have to talk much.

"You did a great job this year," Arden's aunt tells him.

"Aww thank you auntie," he says. I say nothing but I smile from my place on the floor where I'm sitting, sweetly looking up at the owners sitting on plush floating chairs as glitter and fake snow flies down from the ceiling.

"I remember grade eight," Arden's mom starts, "it was the worst grade for me. But I learned a lot."

"Oh why was it the worst, Mama?" Arden asks.

"It's just a really awkward, difficult time, being thirteen," she replies, "I wouldn't wish it on anyone."

"Oh you're right, Mama."

"You are right, Amelia," Arden's aunt says, "the teen years are a special type of torture."

"It's torture all my children can get through though," Arden's grandfather adds, "and it's torture little Arden can get through as well." He ruffles Arden's hair.

"Oh thank you grandpa! You're too kind."

"Aww I'm just telling the truth my little one."

"Well I really appreciate it anyways."

"He is right though," Arden's dad speaks. "We all got through it. Because we're all strong. Resilience runs in our family."

I nod my head, even though I know that I'm not part of this family. The music flows on through us. The snack trays filled with lavish snacks arranged artfully float amongst us. The owners pick finger foods to eat. I don't.

"Resilience runs in our family," Arden's grandmother echoes, "but also we have each other's backs. We take care of each other. That's why we are so strong."

"You're absolutely right," Arden's aunt declares, "our family bonds are better than any other family. They're unbreakable."

"I feel so lucky to be part of this family," Arden's mother speaks. "You are all such sweet and good people."

"You're sweet and good too," Arden's father tells her.

"Aww thanks."

"We're very successful," Arden's grandfather starts, "because of our loyalty to each other. Loyalty I've gotten to teach all of you."

"You're right dad," Arden's aunt says, "thanks for teaching us."

"And thank you for welcoming me into the family," Arden's dad says.

"Luca. Get Arden's report card," Arden's mother shoos me away with her hands.

"Yes, ma'am."

I walk down the long halls. On my way down I see Sam. My father. We exchange sad smiles with each other. Even if we're smiling, we can see the brokenness in each other's eyes. At least one good thing about the summer is that I can spend more time with my parents. Before we all go our separate ways.

"You're stronger than you know," Sam whispers to me. "You'll get through this summer."

"Thank you dad. And good luck to you as well. You're stronger than you know too."

"We both are. We all are."

I run down the hall to make up for lost time and I pick up Arden's report card from where it is on Mr. Harrison's large desk. I run back.

"Here you go, ma'am." I hand Mrs. Harrison the sheet of clear glass. She turns it on and it displays the grades on a creamy background.

"Four B's, a C, and two A's," Arden's aunt exclaims. "That's amazing."

"Thank you, Auntie."

"My boy's very smart," Mr. Harrison states smugly, "he gets that from all of us. A chip off the old block, he is."

Arden smiles brightly and I smile meekly.

"He did inherit his brains from us," Mrs. Harrison echoes, "what's more, he inherited our fastidious work ethic."

"And we taught him too," Arden's aunt adds in. "We all taught him how to succeed in school and in life."

"You better be grateful that you're in this family, Arden," his grandfather tells him.

"Oh I definitely am, Grandpa."

"We're all very smart," his grandmother says.

I think about Ari. Ari always tells me that I'm very smart. He says that it's amazing that I can keep up with the classes despite getting no study time. I tell him it's amazing that he can as well. Although he struggles more so than me. Ari tells me that I have an amazing way with words. That I could be an amazing writer if I was allowed to write.

I usually don't feel smart. I usually don't feel like much of anything. But Ari makes me feel smart. He makes me feel like I can do anything.

Maybe that's dangerous. But maybe it's giving me life. Everything about Ari is dangerous. Everything about Ari gives me life.

My parents tell me I'm smart as well. They say that they're incredibly proud that I've found a way to go to school. They say that I'm an expert wordsmith and an even better liar. They say that I will do amazing things, that all the synths will do amazing things. Even if they're secret things.

My parents are not dangerous. But my parents give me life anyways. It's a secret sort of life. And even though they didn't literally bring me into the world, like Arden's parents did to him, they made the world just a little bit more livable for me.

My friends give me life in all the little moments that they can. They give me brightness. Give me soothing. Give me confidence. And all our stolen moments mean infinity to me. I turn them over and over in my head before I go to sleep.

I'm thankful for my family. I'm thankful for my friends. For my lover. For each and every synth I have ever come across.

The owners keep on talking. Oblivious to me. I keep my face schooled into sweetness. And I follow their conversation in case they ever want to include me in it. But in the secret, silent part of my mind I rebel.

I could never have rebelled without my loved ones supporting me. I'd be too scared and weak. But they do support me and so I'm strong.

———

Arden and I are going to a multimedia game. That's a game where the holograms and mechanical parts all come together on a moving playground filled with things to climb and swing from and jump from and throw and get thrown at. Arden loves them. I hate them.

We are on a flying carriage. That's a richly decorated box that is all plush inside and has an open top that we can see out of. We watch the scenery go by from our view in the sky.

"I want to play a game with magic. Magic is the coolest. Then you get all the special effects."

"Magic is the coolest, Arden. You're absolutely right."

"I wonder what games they'll have there." Why didn't he check already on the arcade's flash site?

"Yeah, I wonder too. I hope they're fun games."

"Oh they will be."

"I guess it will be a surprise." I hold my breath. Was that the right thing to say? Sometimes you don't always know what the right thing to say is. Those times are the worst.

"I guess it will. Surprises are good." Oh thank the universe. That was the right thing to say.

"Surprises are good. Especially if they're fun surprises. Is that why you didn't check what games were available beforehand?"

"No, I just forgot." Oh. Shit. I didn't mean to make him sound incompetent. I have to cover myself. Right now.

"Well that's okay. Even the smartest of people forget sometimes. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. And after all, it turned out well. We'll get a nice surprise."

"It did turn out well. I love it when the universe makes it so that things go well even when you mess up."

"The universe loves you, Arden. What is there not to love?" I don't know whether I should've said he didn't mess up. On one hand that would be praising him. On the other hand it would be contradicting him. I hope I made the right choice.

"It doesn't always feel like it." This conversation is going badly. I need for it to go well.

"Oh well I guess you do have adversity to overcome. But you always overcome it."

"I guess I always do."

"Yeah. You can overcome anything. You can take on any barrier and come out the other side."

"Yeah. I can." He smiles. I smile back. I honestly am relieved. Sweet praise always goes a long way. It's what I learned in training and during the long years of being Arden's.

We arrive at the arcade, the wide, flowing building with a waving, woven roof. Arden rushes out in front of me and I hurry behind him. We look at the game trailers displayed all over the walls of the lobby.

"What game do you want to pick?" I ask him.

"I don't know," He tells me.

"Well tell me when you're ready."

He ends up picking a game called The Enchanted Tangerine. I tell him that sounds like a great choice. We go to an arcade room, filled with equipment spinning and rising and ducking and weaving.

The holograms rise up to cover the arcade room and the game starts.

We start in a beautiful magical village, and have to fly on our flying carpet, which is an actual flying carpet, to pick apples. We climb the fake trees that blow in the fake wind to pick the gems that are the "apples." I let Arden pick most of them. I help him climb up higher by letting him climb upon me.

We then learn of the enchanted tangerine that can grant any wish and is work a million dollars. And we quest to go get it.

It's difficult, navigating through a game I haven't gone through before. I don't know how Arden will react to the various different parts of the game. I don't know how exactly to make the game the most enjoyable for him.

I try to see when he's struggling and make it easier for him. I try to see when he's bored and make it more difficult for him. But I do not always know what he wants and when.

I make sure to give him ample opportunities to rescue me and I make sure to thank him ardently each time.

One time we are in a spider web. It is made of moving metal rods misted over by holograms. It sways up and down with the wind. It seems like an easy part of the game. We only have to step through the holes of the web and avoid getting caught on its strings.

I recognize that Arden hasn't gotten a chance to rescue me in a while. So I get caught in one of the strings of the web, making it seem like an accident.

"Oh fck!" I exclaim as the rod twists to grip my leg, "Arden, I think I might need some help over here."

Arden wades through the holograms towards me. But just as he's halfway there a mechanical spider gargoyle starts coming at us, with many glowing eyes on its many legs and sharp, pointed teeth. Arden startles and jolts back, getting caught on a web himself.

And now we're both trapped. As the spider is coming towards us. We urgently shoot spells at it with our "wands" which we gained on a different mini-quest. But it keeps getting closer.

Just as it's about to reach Arden I throw my wand at it and kill it.

"Luca! You stupid, stupid idiot!" Arden exclaims. "Why did you have to get yourself stuck?" I gulp back my terror.

"Sorry," I say in a quiet voice, "I don't know why I was so clumsy."

I spend the rest of the game trying to make up for that mess. Arden has fun. And that's good. Because all that matters is that Arden has fun. But he still stays angry at me.

When I get home I am exhausted. But I don't get dinner that night. And I think I know why. This summer is going to be a long one.

I go to bed with hunger clawing in my gut that I just cannot ignore.

———

So I go to restaurants and immies and games and parks and amusement parks and galleries, glued to Arden's side. I give Arden everything he wants. I tell him everything he wants to hear. I do everything he wants me to do. I be everything he wants me to be.

When he wants time by himself I clean the house.

I don't get a respite, or a break, save for the small minutes I steal away with my friends and parents. Those small moments keep me alive. Keep me clinging to the tatters of my life. A life that belongs to Arden more than it belongs to me. More than it belongs to my community.

Many people would say that I am lucky. The owners would say that. They would say that I get to play all day, except for the few hours that I spend cleaning. But I don't. Not really. I have to make sure Arden is playing as best as he can all day. I have to make sure Arden is satisfied.

I try to hold on to myself. I try to hold on to the thought that I am worth more than he says I am. That I am my own person. That I have worth that isn't inextricably linked with Arden. And in one sense I do succeed. The knowledge that I am worth more does stay in my head.

But in another sense I don't succeed. The pressure the owners put on me, the weight of my existence, the constant knowledge of my powerlessness, it all sits in my chest and in my gut and puts a heavy weigh upon me, which steals my breath and crushes my soul.

The idea that I'm not worth anything, that I'm not worth anything, that I'm only worth what Arden gives me, it stays in my soul and always makes me feel like I'm no-one. Like I'm nothing. Like I'm just a thing to be used and discarded.

I miss school. It was rebellion. It was revenge. It was proof. Proof that I could do more than just satisfy Arden and his family. Proof that I had a mind and my own skills and talents and abilities.

I miss Ari. He could always sooth me in a way no-one else could. He could always give me hope. He could kindle my embers into a bright and superheated fire.

The melancholy laces through me and gets stronger and stronger every day. Until I feel as if there is no possible way that I could be alive. I usually feel more dead than alive anyways. I usually feel as if death would be a sort of freedom. If I wasn't so scared of it. But I feel in these summer days that the very idea of life has left my body, has left my soul.

Has left me a walking corpse in this barren, overcrowded world.

Though of course Arden knows none of this. He wants me to be happy for him and so he sees me as happy for him.

A terrible part of all of this is the sheer intimacy of it all. I spend so much time with Arden. Right beside Arden. And yet he never sees me. I eat breakfast and dinner every day with his family and yet they never see me. I go to sleep under Arden's bed. A few feet away from him. And we are so close. So, so close. And yet there is such a wide gulf between us.

A gulf of understanding and a gulf of power.

I don't know if he quite understands the power that he holds over me. I don't know if he ever stares at it head on the way that I do. I don't think that he does.

Arden could kill me if he wanted to. He could kill me slowly and painfully and torturously. And it's up to me to make sure that he doesn't want to. It's up to me to hold on to the food and water I get in the most desperate and degrading of ways.

We're brothers, him and me. In a way. We grew up in the same house. With the same people. Always together. And yet we're not brothers, him and me. In a way.

Because he's my master and he will always be my master no matter what anyone says.

But Aleni, Haynen, and Hari help. Mom and dad help. And I hope I help them too. Synths have a way of finding ways to cling to each other, even in impossible situations. Especially in impossible situations. And I love them. Love beyond love. And I'm grateful for them. And I desperately hope that they know it.

I hate the summer.

———

"You guys are letting me have a flyer?" Arden's voice is full of disbelieving exuberance.

"We sure are," Mrs. Harrison tells him.

"Thank you so much!" He almost shouts.

"We think our little boy deserves it," Mr. Harrison says.

"Thank you mom and dad!"

Arden turns to me and grabs me by the shoulders.

"Isn't this the best news you've ever gotten?" He asks me.

"Absolutely, Arden! This is so incredible!" I feign joy. "Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Harrison. Thank you so much!"

We go yo the flyer store so that Arden can pick out whatever flyer he wants. Within a price range.

The store is the most incredible thing I've seen, with flyer after flyer after flyer weaving their ways through the high fake sky. All kinds of real and mythical animals. All kinds of colours and patterns and designs. All kinds of flyers lined up in rows under the clear floor. It's almost dizzying.

But I can't enjoy any of it because I have to keep Arden happy.

"What do you want to pick, Arden?" I keep my voice sweet.

"I think a squid. Let me look around though." He tilts his head upwards and looks at the false sky with wide eyes.

He points out so many different flyers to me, commenting on the merits and disadvantages of each one. And I agree with him on each and every point each and every time.

We spend hours at this store. More time than anyone else, I'm sure. I'm exhausted and worn out and hollow but I have to pretend to be happy.

Eventually he settles on a large squid that is dark blue and green, made of shimmering metal. It is really rather beautiful. Ten times longer than I am tall and twice as tall as I am. I tell him he picked the perfect one. And we go to tell the store clerk what we chose.

She hands us the remote for the flyer and Arden plays with the controls to bring the flyer down from the sky. It hits a few other flyers along the way. He's not an expert yet. But he manages to do it.

The next few days are spent watching Arden play with the flyer in the real sky above a green space. He never hands me he remote. Of course he doesn't. But I watch him and tell him of all the progress he's making.

The squid turns and moves fluidly through the sky, its large head bending in ways that real squids probably can't and its many arms moving in and out. It's harder to control a squid than it is a dragon. Because they have so many different parts. But eventually Arden gets the hang of it.

I think of the story Ella told me. Of the two lovers who flew away on the flyer that they hijacked. I think of Ari. I miss him. His lack leaves a dry, cold, hollow place right in the centre of me. And I count down the achingly long days until I can see him again.

Eventually Arden decides that he's good enough at flying the thing to go test it out at a flyer park. I don't think he's good enough for that yet. But I don't say that. I support his plans.

We go to the park. And it has all sorts of things to fly flyers on. There are ramps and half pipes you could launch them from. Paths you could lead them down. Rocks and pipes you could twist them around. Swirling spinners you could lead them over. Hoops you could fly them through. The options are endless. All of this is floating in the sky and constantly rearranging itself. That last fact adds to the difficulty of it.

I stand beside Arden on his hoverboard as we follow the flyer. Arden makes it do amazing tricks and is fully immersed in the game. I compliment him and act impressed.

There are other flyers and their owners in this sprawling sky park though. And other synths and their owners too. I don't think much of it, trying to spread as much strength and hope to the other synths as I can using only eye contact and facial expressions.

But suddenly two boys fly past us. One has straight brown hair and an intensely concentrating expression. The other one has dark curls and piercing blue eyes. It's Ari! I know him. I would know him anywhere.

My heart jumps in my chest and for the first time in a month I feel joy. He sees me too, and his whole face lights up in a smile. A genuine smile that shines through every part of him.

I have to find a way to see him again! But how?

I think of how it would be possible for us to get away from our masters for a moment and to see each other. Slowly a plan formulates in my head.

I look at Ari and his owner and I track their movements to find out which flyer is theirs. I find that it's a long snake which many colourful dragonfly wings and the face of a lizard.

I wait until our squid is headed towards their flyer. And just before Arden's about to make it change direction, I scream.

"What the hell!" I exclaim, turning my head over to the side.

"What?" Arden startles, following me. He forgets to control the flyer and it goes crashing into the other flyer, sending them both tumbling down.

"Luca! You absolute idiot!" He pushes me off of the hoverboard and sends me crashing down. The landing leaves me sore all over and knocks the breath from my body. But I am unharmed. The flyer has a warranty as well. It won't cost them money to replace. So I am not going to be killed for this one act.

I see Ari run up to me. His owner must have sent him to check on their flyer. Just as I planned. My heart soars in the blue of the sky the second I see the blue of his eyes.

"Luca!" He whispers, kneeling over me, "are you okay?"

"Yes. I just had to see you again."

"I had to see you too."

"I missed you so much."

"I missed you too."

"Can we kiss?"

He leans down to kiss me on the lips. And it's so sweet. It's so sweet. That I don't even mind that I'll miss a week's worth of meals for this. I think. Ari close against me is the only thing that I need.

"What the fck." Arden's voice cuts through the air like a knife. Oh no. He saw us.