Rants (3)

Expectations

        I’m scared of failing. I’m scared of doing something wrong. I have all these expectations on my shoulders and I feel like I have to do all this and that and if I don’t get it done, if I don’t do it right, if I don’t do everything like it’s expected I’m going to fail. I want to be able to relax, to push things away. I want to stop paying attention in school and just enjoy myself.
I want to make people proud of me. I want to. I really do. But I just want to… NOT. I need to chill. I need to stop worrying about doing all this. I want to be a kid. I want to hide in a hole and watch youtube day and night but I can’t I have to get stuff done, or I’m going to fail. I need to do it. I have these expectations to… to write well. To do well. But it’s a lot of work and a lot of effort to create a story that will make people happy. And then my plot dies, because I’m dying. I’m going. My body is slowing down and I don’t want to have to do all this for people.
        At school I want to stop paying attention. I want to be able to get C’s and B’s and have people be okay with that. They say they are but I know they aren’t. They are expecting me to get the A’s and when I don’t I know I’ve let them down.
They want me to accomplish stuff. And I am! I’m doing great. But the more I get done; the more I do right they expect me to do again and again. And I can’t. I can’t. My ideas have come to a stop.
        It’s like a pipe. It’s getting stuffed up. There’s something inside of me making me sad. It’s getting harder to stay happy. It’s getting harder to pretend. I’m sad. I’m lonely. I’m not okay anymore. It’s really really… idk. It’s hard to understand.
        I don’t want to make happy stories anymore. It’s not reality; it’s not what’s going through my mind.
        I want to write about sad stuff. It’s what happens. Death. Cancer. Depression. Suicide. Abandonment. That kind of stuff.
        All this is what happens in life. Making stuff happy isn’t what happens.
        We make up life for more than it is. It’s not the way this world works. Sad stuff happens. We have to deal. It’s the way the world works. We just need to remove the blinds we've meticulously put up and see the world for what it really is. A big black hole of depression with a little bit of happiness sprinkled in. And that's what we need to focus on. The good, not the bad. Because that's what ultimately makes things better and makes our day okay.
        And I’m letting people down. I know I am. I’m told I’m doing great in life and all that but I’m just human. I can’t do it anymore I just can’t I can’t.
        I want to stop. I don’t wanna do this anymore. I don’t wanna be an author I don’t wanna be a good kid I don’t wanna do well in school I don’t wanna.

        I know that life isn’t about all the good things. It’s also about the bad. Sometimes things get difficult, but we find a way to work through it.
        But I don’t know if I CAN work through this. It’s a lot of work but do I want to work through it? Do I want to? Do I want to exert the energy of all that? Do I REALLY?
        I’m so tired. So tired of trying. So tired of trying to get it all done.
        I’m tired.

        Music and YouTube, books and sleep. That’s my escape. With these going on I don’t need to face the world. I don’t need to face the world, people, places, or my thoughts.
        I don’t have to listen to any of it. Don’t have to deal with any of it.
        Sometimes I can settle down and type out all my thoughts with a JackSepticEye video going on in the background.
        It’s kinda calming, actually. I mean, he’s a loud hyperactive kind of guy, but just the familiar voice and actions kind of calm me. I dunno. It’s like the familiarity of his voice and vocabulary is something that will never change. It’s something that always stays the same. It never… y’know, it never changes. It’s something I can rely on.
        I mean, everyday he uploads twice. In the years I've watched him it’s been something I can count on to happen. Something I can settle down at night to watch.
        It’s like something that won’t ever change.
        I can COUNT on Jack to upload a funny, positive video everyday. And it’s what makes my day okay. It makes everything bad that happened go away. It just makes things happy. I don’t know how to explain it, but having the assurance that every day those two videos will be there is something I can count on and that assurance like… makes me at peace. It makes… stuff like… alright, I guess?
        It’s so complicated to understand my body and why it makes me happy and at peace.
        Who knows why.
        Who knows.

        I guess… I guess just having him there to make me happy everyday just compensates for the terrible day I just went through. And even though I may be failing people in my life, he's there to lift me up.
        They all are.
        Felix, Jack/Sean, Mark...
        Dan, Phil, RobertIDK...
        Every YouTuber I watch is always there to just make the day okay. It means a lot. So thanks to all the YouTubers. You make the world a better place.

        So I guess that’s it for a rant now. I’ll just go and eat ice cream and then watch/listen to some JackSepticEye. Yeah. So that’s it for this chapter, see ya’ll later! Byeeeeee!!!