Skinny.

I'm trying so hard.

I can't sleep. So, instead of getting my much needed rest, and being angry at the sleeping pills, I just sit, rock back and forth on my bed, and bawl my eyes out.
I can't help but ache in every way. I'm hungry, and I want to eat without feeling ashamed, without shoving my fingers down my throat. I want to be healthy.
I've spent so long on Ana and I'm so tired of it.
I look down at my wrist, which is bony and small. I can easily wrap my pointer finger and pinkie around it and have plenty of room between my fingers and wrist. Disgusting.
I slide out of bed and walk into the bathroom. I switch on the light and stand in front of the mirror.
I haven't been looking at myself clearly at all lately. Only now, that I have suppressed Ana, can I really see what I look like.
Collar bones sticking out, thin cheeks, bony wrists. I lift up my shirt. I can easily count each rip and my hip bones make a large appearance. I look like a skeleton. I look dead.
I shiver. I have no meat on my bones, so I'm always cold, and I have no energy because I don't let myself digest my food, which is why I'm always tired. My brown eyes look soulless, and I feel humiliated that I've let myself do this for so long.

The next morning, I wake up with a plan. I eat breakfast, for the first time in months, and I ask my mom to drive me to school. I make sure to grab a thick sweater before I walk out, but I still shiver.
I sit on the cracked leather seat, staring out the windshield and trying to ignore Ana's annoying voice in my head.
"Mel?" Mom asks after a few silent minutes.
"Yeah?" I ask softly, feeling awful for the way I've treated her lately.
"I really think you should consider the therapy," she says quietly.
"Yeah, that actually sounds like a good idea," I say, smiling. I want to get better, I need to.
Mom tells me that she already has a therapist in mind, and that my first visit will be on Wednesday.
I go into the school, only now realizing the way people stare at me. It's not a "she's gorgeous" look, it's a "what is wrong with her" look.
I shutter to think that I thought they admired me, not thought I had issues, but I do have issues so they're right.
I spot Callie, leaning against a locker and looking at her phone. I walk up to her, trying to compose my face.
"Cal?" I say softly.
She looks up, stunned and frightened. But her fear quickly turns to anger.
"What do YOU want?" she hisses.
"I wanted to apologize. No, I NEED to apologize. I've been acting treacherous lately and I'm so sorry for the way I've treated you. I'm trying to get better and I just miss you so much and I know that I'm awful. If you don't want to ever talk to me again, say the words and I'm gone for good, like when they took your tonsils out and..." I ramble on and on and on.
She clamps her hand over my mouth as my voice rises to near hysteria.
"Mel, I missed you," she says, pulling me into a tight hug. I wrap my arms around her and let a few tears slip down my cheeks onto her shoulders. We stand like that until the bell rings, and we walk to history together.
"Tell me at lunch what's been going on," Callie says, and she takes her seat at the front of the room.
At lunch, I see Callie sitting at an empty table. She sees me and waves me over. I sit beside her.
"Now tell me what's happening," she says.
I hesitate, but burst into tears. "Cal, it's awful, just awful. I'm crazy, I know it."
"No tell me, it's fine."
"Well, a few months ago was height and weight, and I weighed 113, and someone was like 'too fat?' and I lost it. I heard this little voice and she taught me how to be skinny and she said I didn't need friends, so I pushed you away even though you had already pushed me away." I pause, looking at her hurt expression. "Sorry."
I sigh. "Anyways, I started starving myself and puking and taking laxatives and I hated myself but I really am trying to get better. I'm starting therapy on Wednesday, and what would really help is if you would be there for me."
"Mel, of course. I'm SOOO sorry for not being there for you. I just got so caught up in the idea of being popular but those girls are truly awful. I'm sorry, Mel, I love you so much and I hate that you went through this. You're the most beautiful girl I know." She hugs me, and I hug her back. I really missed her.