No Turning Back

Part Two - Next Day at School

I went to school again on the Thursday and told my two biggest mates, Blake and Robbie. At first they were completely silent, dumbfounded. It was like they were in total shock. More likely it was silent relief that it wasn’t happening to them. After all they would still be boys, and not just next week, but for the rest of their lives. Me being a girl by Monday still really hadn’t completely sunk in. It was going to be a journey I’d have done anything to avoid. This was way beyond my wildest dreams of what I had planned for myself. Was I really going to turn into a girl? My biology lessons flagged up in front of me. I hadn’t understood before that we all start out as girls. Then those who are destined to be boys acquire a Y chromosome. Well, when I thought about it again one of the X chromosomes must change into a Y and this was why it could change back into an X. At least this was how I supposed it to be. This was my reasoning anyway and this is where I was when Robbie clicked his fingers in front of my face to bring me back to the present. “Where on earth were you, Jack?” he said to me. I gave him a wry smile. “I expect you can imagine,” I said. Then I blurted out, “why is this happening to me?” so loudly that other kids in the school yard looked round in my direction. I very nearly cried in front of my two best mates but managed to hold onto myself. Blake put his arm on my shoulder. It was nice of him to do it in public like that, but I think it was also because he couldn’t think of anything to say to me. After all if one of your mates is going to have a vagina by the middle of next week, what do you say to him? I know Blake and Robbie were doing their best to be kind. Then I heard Robbie put in brightly. “You could try holding onto it and not letting go of it.” And I replied, “I can’t walk round holding onto my c.ock all day.” “Well, said Blake, what’s different? You do anyway.” All three of us burst out laughing at that. We were standing together on the far edge of the yard under the enormous oak tree. I looked up at Blake and gave him a mock punch on the shoulder. He feigned falling backwards and staggered to a halt against the trunk of the tree. I know I was trying as best I could to keep things lighthearted and join in with their banter, which I knew was meant well, but what was uppermost in my mind was that my penis had already shrunk to the size of a little boy’s weeny. I’d have been far too embarrassed to have ever set foot in the boys’ changing rooms again. I had been up to this time one of the jocks striding round the changing room showing off my manhood to all and sundry, not abashed if any lad had wanted to get an eyeful of what I had on display between my legs. And I was well aware there were boys less well endowed than myself who might be taking a sly peek. From now on I was never going to set foot, or any other part of my body for that matter, in a boys‘ changing room. That was going to be a big no go area for the remainder of my life, wasn’t it just? Now I’d have given anything to swap for a smaller penis just to be able to hang on to one. I mean how weird does that sound for heavens sakes? There it was again, another slight movement in my underpants as I felt it shrink a bit more. It was imperceptible to everyone else except me. But of course to me it was my manhood slipping away and completely beyond my control. Here I was in the school yard. The only boy amongst several hundred who was having to say goodbye to his penis. That was cruel. And nothing could be done to arrest its disappearance. A boy shouldn’t have to face the loss of his penis just when he’s coming out of the other side of puberty. And I still had no idea, no real grasp of how I was going to cope with changing sex and becoming female instead of male. “It is just so unfair” was the thought in my head that was uppermost. Why me? Later on that night I tried again to see if I could get an erection. No way. Too bad the next sexual fantasy I was going to have would be with my fingers up my fanny. But for now I had to keep up the pretence that I was still a schoolboy.  My life as a girl was just round the corner. My girl’s body was kicking in right now here in the school yard and forcing my boy’s body into retreat. It was going to be as if I’d never existed as a boy. That morning I had put on a really baggy white shirt to try and hide the fact that my breasts were now developing beyond the point of being invisible to everyone except me. I had tried binding them but it was useless. They were still swelling in size and I had to keep going to the toilet block to release the binder. Soon I thought this is not where I shall be coming to take a leak. I’ll be with all the other girls in the toilet next door, the one with no urinals. So many aspects of my life were going to change forever. I took up my position again with Blake and Robbie but in my thoughts I was far away. Blake brought me back from far away to life in the school yard. Come on, Jack, he said let’s try to make a list together of the advantages you get being a girl. But I just got so upset I climbed over the fence and made myself scarce. Blake told me later on the way home that he and Robbie had felt bad, but he also told me he and Robbie were simply at a complete loss as to how they could help. I understand, I told him. After all I don’t know how to help myself, do I? I told him it was best to “carry on treating me as a boy like you have always done and that will help me most. Let me enjoy my last few days being male, being who I thought I was until yesterday.” Robbie was walking along with us although he lived in the other direction. He just wanted to show he was with me and would do whatever it took to get me through. Suddenly I stopped, rooted to the spot. I had to release the binder. “I can feel my breasts growing, I told them. It’s like a continuous tingling feeling that goes right through my body.” “Well, we can’t see any activity,” said Robbie and he looked at Blake who gave a nod in agreement. “I’ve been using a binder to keep them flat, I told them. I can assure you that when I get undressed I actually do need a bra now. I was terrified the binder might come loose at school and put my t.its on display for all to see. I could not cope with that. I can almost hear them all saying “hey, look at his t.its.” He’s supposed to be a guy. Calling out “she’s a girl” I reckon I could just about handle, but if they called out “he’s a girl” it would just highlight my predicament. I put my hand inside my shirt and released the binder and my t.its just flopped out for Blake and Robbie to see. I heard one of them give a gasp, as I tucked them back in my shirt. I drew them both towards me and put one hand on each of their shoulders and eyeballed them. “You see it’s why I dropped out of footie in the school yard this morning. I noticed I was the only boy with his blazer on, and I daren’t take it off in case my breasts got noticed. Soon perhaps I’ll be wanting them to be noticed, and I gave them a weak smile. What is it going to be like being given the eye or wolfwhistled by groups of boys? Will I even know how to flirt with a boy?” It was all too much. I gave a shudder and shut the thought right out of my mind. Actually what I was thinking was “I’m supposed to be a champion athlete and I’m nothing of the kind. I’m a girl.” Robbie just gave me a hug and decided he’d best be getting home. I think he was at a loss for what to say especially after he had seen my t.its. Blake and I continued on our way mostly in silence. I know it was difficult for him, but hell fire it was even more difficult for me. Before we went our separate ways Blake told me to get my arse over to his place at seven o’clock sharp. “I’m taking you out this evening, he said, and no excuses.”  “As a boy or as a girl,” I asked him. He opened his mouth. Then he shut it again. “Your choice, he said, either way.” I gave him a wave as he went off and I wandered homewards and thought about everything that had happened that day. During the lunch break at school I had gone in search of the sports coach and made my excuses for missing training on Saturday. I would be at Girl School by then anyway, but I told him my auntie, my Mum’s sister, had been taken bad and we were off to see her. I knew he was pretty fed up with me. He gave me a look as if to say you’re shirking your duty to the school now you’ve been selected as an athlete for the county. I couldn’t think of anything more to say. He just shrugged his shoulders and walked away from me. He was never going to see me as a boy again, let alone a county champion. I wasn’t up to explaining to the coach that next time he saw me I would be a girl. I could play a trick on him, I thought, and see if he recognised me in a girl’s school uniform and then thought better of it. First I was going to have to get my own head round setting out for school in a grey pleated skirt and tights and with a pair of knickers underneath. It was actually going to be my bra that took the most getting used to. I told myself at this point that I wasn’t going to come back to school till September. If other people had to get used to me being a girl, then I sure needed time, as well. Mum had offered to take me shopping to buy girls’ clothes like bras and panties and dresses and petticoats and nighties, the list went on, but I point blank refused. “I can’t stand there looking like a boy and buying myself girls’ clothes,” I told her. I realized I’d said “looking like a boy.” Already I had noticed that when I was on my own I was telling myself I wasn’t a boy any longer. Strangely, it was helping psychologically. I was starting to think of myself as “she” instead of “he.” My identity as female was slowly coming into focus. There was no going back. I mean I wasn’t able to look at myself in the mirror in my bedroom and pretend I was a boy any longer. I went in through the front door and mum looked up at me and immediately burst into tears all over again. It wasn’t helpful. The atmosphere at home was awful because everybody was pussing footing round me and avoiding calling me anything, which was ten times worse. Tea passed by in absolute silence. Eventually I just jumped up and shouted at them, “I’m a she, not a he. Okay? I’m a girl. Got that” Then I went out and gave the door a good slam behind me. It made me feel better I can tell you. I set off for Blake’s.