Perceived Lunacy

No Win Scenario

  One of the things I have learned being on this side of the fence is that sometimes you don’t know how much you miss something until you have it again. Sometimes the discomforts of home become your greatest comforts. I remember the first time I looked down at my hands and felt ashamed of the dirt caked under my nails and my jagged bitten cuticles. I was around thirteen and I was on firewood duty with Caleb, a boy in my homestead. It was stupid but for some reason I was embarrassed of my filth in front of that boy, the filth that we all shared in the wilds. Now as I look down at my dirt crusted hands a little flutter of hope radiates from my stomach. I’m starting to remember all of the things that were mine when I was free. I remember the feeling of the slimy, slippery stones under my feet as I inched my way out in the ice cold creek to bathe and the stickiness of sweaty skin during those brutal summers. I’m remembering these things now because they are about to be mine again…
            The feeling of rooting through the dirt, however oddly satisfying it may be, is tainted with the knowledge that I am doing because they told me too. They handed me a spade pointed to a spot in their pristine garden and told me to dig out the weeds. That is after all the whole premise of this place, to dig out the weeds. They are afraid that if they let anything wild slip through the cracks the weeds will over take their orderly tulips so they tear us out by the roots, but we will never go away. I pluck a small purple wild flower from the base of a rose bush. It’s little spiky petals stick out at odd angels giving it a disheveled look. This little weed has more beauty in one disordered petal than their tulips could ever have. I don’t know why, but I slip the wild flower into the front pocket of my sweat shirt to sit among the granola bars, I don’t want to leave it here to die.
            I Catch Beatrice peering at me over the rose bushes with curiosity on her face. She had been told to work with me, but she has made sure to keep as much distance as possible only giving me quick tentative glances like she is afraid I am going to pounce any second, but now she stares at me openly with apprehension. She still baffles me. I half expected to wake up this morning in a padded cell thinking she would have went to the guards in the middle of the night, but instead I woke to an empty room. I’m sure she woke up early enough to avoid me as much as possible. After a second I find I am looking at her with as much wonderment as she is me.


            The orderlies parade around the perimeters. They are trying to be nonchalant, but a trained eye can tell they are watching like hawks. Until know I hadn’t realized I never made a concrete plan. I was never very good at making plans so why start now. I’ll make a break for it. I can’t see the fence, but it can’t be more then a mile or two through the woods surrounding the compound. I have the spade if I need to use it and even though I have become out of shape since coming here I think I can still out run them. I slowly stand from my crouched position beside the flower bed and prepare to make my move. The orderlies eye me and begin to advance, they might have caught on.
            “Delaney!” I hear called from behind me startling me out of my intent mood, “Theirs a patch of weeds over here, if you could help me.” Beatrice says motioning me over. The confliction is apparent on her face. I walk over to her with tentative curiosity.
            “What are you doing?” I say in a whispered hiss.
            “You can’t just break into a sprint, they will catch you.” Her bird like voice whispers back.
            “Why are you worried if they catch me or not? Dead or alive, I’m gone either way remember?” I retort. Her sudden concern startles me. Then it dawns on me. If I could slip through the cracks as uncured then maybe I’m not the first one. Maybe Beatrice’s treatment didn’t work as well as she thinks. She opens her mouth to answer, but don’t seem to know what words to form.
            “Beatrice come with me.” I say it before I know what I’m saying, but once it’s out I know that I can’t just leave her here for the same reason I couldn’t leave the wild flower behind. If there is even a chance that her soul is still alive in there I can’t leave her here to die.
            She looks at me with startled disgust. “Your insane… your diseased… get away from me.” she says, the wrinkles on her forehead deepen, she looks conflicted. I didn’t notice until now the two pebbles she is turning over and over in her hand. They are covered in dirty, but look to be as round as the pebble she has back on her desk. The way she is looking at these pebbles lets me to believe in some way they might be the source of her confliction.
            “Beatrice, you don’t have to believe what they tell you. You don’t have to live like this.” I say hoping to convince her. If I can’t sway her now then I leave without her.
            “Leave now before I tell the guards.” She spits. I can’t decide for her… She stays. With my attention back on the orderlies I realize they are now watching me a little bit more then before. Beatrice’s objection has lost me my best chance at escaping, but I can still make it past them, they are slow and fat and have never had to really run the way that I have my whole life. I quickly map my route in my head. I’ll break for the gap in their ranks. Once I make it to the tree line they won’t be able to get any vehicles on that terrain they will have to peruse me on foot. I’ll make it to the fence; if I make it past the gun fire from the tower guards I’ll scale the wall. It will be either concrete or barbed wire. If it’s concrete I’ll hope there is a tree near by, if there is I am free… If the fence is barbed wire it is electrified. If it is electrified then I am left with my finally option.
            It dawns on me now that I have reached the point that I have been working towards for two months. I realize it’s now or never and with this realization my limbs become electrified. I don’t know whether it’s with the excitement of freedom or the fear of failure, maybe it’s both, but whatever it is I will use it as fuel.
            I will make it; I will make it no matter what. Even though the orderlies are now beginning to corner me in realizing my change in character, I will make it. I will win this no win scenario no matter what. I think now in the moment I never expected to make it past the fence just as I realize it now. I knew I would never get even past the orderlies, but the freedom isn’t in escaping the fence. It’s in escaping their oppression. They will never break my spirit. I will die on my own terms. I will die wild…