Something I'd Like to Change About Myself

Something I'd Like to Change About Myself

Have you ever felt so invisible that you seemed insignificant? And if you have, which I’m assuming we all have at some point, did you want to change that?

When my friend and I were first going over the list of memory jogs and came across the question, ”What is something you’d like you change about yourself?”, I made a joke, asking if everything could be an answer. She gave a small half chuckle, probably feeling awkward, and continued writing her response to a previous question. Although I tried to play it off as a small self-deprecating joke, I had actually meant what I said.
        
So yeah, I’m insecure. Now, I’m not going to be all dramatic and say that I’m the only one who has ever felt like they didn’t matter, or weren’t good enough, because that would be a lie. And I’m aware of the fact that there are people who have it worse off than me, but everyone feels differently. And me? Well, I feel like I could be a better person.

Most insecurities stem from watching movies or tv shows, where standards for a ‘good’ and beautiful person are set. Sometimes they could come from someone targeting you, or maybe a off-hand joke that you take to heart. Maybe there’s just someone you know in real life who’s almost so perfect, it hurts. I know a couple people like that. And sometimes, it’s hard to be friends with such beautiful people, because you start wishing you were like them in some way.

We all have different levels of insecurity, and different things about ourselves we’d like to change. Some of us have this idea of perfection that is unattainable, yet we still try to achieve it anyway. I know I am one of those people.

And it’s because I’m trying so hard to become perfect that I sometimes forget who I am. I cater myself to each person’s wants, try to become someone they’d like. It’s like there’s so many different versions of me, and I don’t know which one is the real me anymore.

You may be thinking, okay, why don’t you just stop then? Why don’t you let your true colours show, try to figure yourself out? And to that, I reply, I can’t. It’s as simple as that. I want people to talk to me, I want to have friends. I want to be liked. And please, don’t ever give me the ‘but people will love you for who you are!!’ speech. I’ve heard it a thousand times, and I can tell you right here and now that you KNOW that is usually not the case. Society has always been hypocritical, and probably always will be. I can only say that at least society is evolving and learning to become more accepting, but people are still judged for who they are and who they want to be.
        
So yes, I want to change a lot of things about myself. My airy voice that I hate hearing on recordings. My face, in general. My personality. My height, my body, my short temper...But there’s no way to get rid of these things. All of my flaws, my insecurities - they’re a part of me, and I have to live with that.

And you know what? I realized that the only thing I truly needed to change was my point of view.