Pain of Love

What is this?

There's this... girl. Her name is Harmonee. Her last name I will not say even though I do know it for purposes of all you readers who might be stalkers. But let me just say that her name is like none other. It's sweet, and angelic; yet it leaves you respecting her with such a high regard that you wish you could get to know her better.
When.
The first day I met her was one day after school. I had just gotten out of my physics class with a long talk with my teacher about some projects he wanted me to do. I was kind of in a state of anxiety because of some personal reasons I wont go over in this story. So I leave the class with my heart beating strongly in my chest in that type of way that it does that makes you fear anything; you know, that annoying feeling you get where you're spaced out and anytime someone talks to you, you can feel your attention jump and you a rush of fear fills your head for a second. Paranoia.
I make my way on to the bus outside the front of the school. This was my first day at this school. I had just moved here from another city for those same reasons I mentioned I would not get into. I didn't know anyone, I didn't want to know anyone. On the bus I was looking for a place to sit. She was sitting in a seat with her backpack next to her with her ear buds in.
"Can I sit here?" I asked, almost nervously.
She smiled at me. "Sure," she said enthusiastically. Just seeing her smile made me smile too. It was a very beautiful smile I had to admit. The way the ends of her lips would purse and cause her cheeks to dimple up was adorable.
I was obviously nervous now, not from her however, but from just meeting someone new to begin with. "My name is Brandon, nice to meet you." (What a dork, you're so awkward, Brandon!) I cursed at myself in my mind.
She continued to smile, her pink lips complimenting her bright red hair. "I'm Harmonee, nice to meet you too." She gave a slight chuckle. She could obviously tell I was nervous.
"I'm new here, sorry if I come across as awkward. I'm just trying to get by."
"Oh that's cool! Well I'll be your first friend then," she smiled at me again and gave me a soft welcoming look. Looking into her eyes, I saw a shimmer from the sunlight; and it was like something out of one of those romance novels or love movies. I melted for her eyes. I still only thought of her as a friend, but we immediately bonded. We talked about the most random things the whole ride home.
We didn't talk again for the next two months.
Where.
Weeks went by, and I had almost completely forgotten about Harmonee. I had made several other friends by now and become quite comfortable with the new school. A problem came up though. I was falling behind in my AP English class because of several home obligations I had. I couldn't keep up so I had to get my schedule changed out of AP and into regular English III. I felt very ashamed because of this. I suddenly had a strong feeling of not being good enough. It hurt my self confidence greatly and I went into a slight depression.
That Tuesday came around where my new schedule first took effect. I walked into my new English class with my head down, trying to hide my embarrassment, since I had the same English teacher. She told me to pick a seat. My seat from my other class was already taken so I picked the next available one at a table with three people at it. A boy who I don't remember the name of, my friend Mary, and a red headed girl. The red headed looked familiar and she smiled at me. Her smile cheered me up for some reason and I was able to carry on through the day with no problems.
A few more weeks go by and Halloween rolls by. I still hadn't bothered learning the names of anyone but Mary in my English class. But today, the red headed girl wore a pirate's costume for Halloween. She had a white baggy under shirt with a red and black form fitting casual corset over it. To go with it she had a red flaring skirt and she had a black pirate's skull and crossbones on her cheek. She wore a bandanna on her head over her red hair. Her costume was amazingly adorable. To top it all off her brown eyes looked as big as ever on this particular day for some reason. I melted her for.
After school, I found her and sat with her on the bus.
"Hey, you look familiar. Have we met."
She laughed. "Yes you dork. I'm your first friend remember?"
"Oh yeah! Harmonee right? Yeah I remember you! I'm so sorry. I tried to find you the next day but I couldn't and by then I started sitting with my friend George from Math."
"Yeah it's okay. I understand, I'm not cool enough," she teased.
"No! No! No! It's not like that I mean..." I lost my words somewhere.
She laugh. "Yeah."
I managed to get her number that day before I got off the bus.
When I got home, I found out that her number didn't save, and it was Halloween weekend.
Who.
On Monday, I was so excited to go to school just to talk to her, just to see her. I couldn't stay away from her smile, it was too precious. I was starting to have feelings for her, but they were quiet enough to ignore at this point. I just wanted to talk to her. She was funny and we got along really well together. Luckily I had English with her, so I decided I would sit with her at lunch. We didn't even eat; instead we took a walk around the school. It was cold outside being early November, and she was cold. So naturally I took my jacket off and gave it to her.
"No, no. You need it, I don't want you to be cold."
"Please Harmonee, I can't stand seeing you shiver."
She did a half smirk and let me put it around her. I normally wouldn't have done this with anyone but my girlfriend (which I didn't have at the time). Something about Harmonee though changed who I was around her. Normally, I would be a complete jerk and selfish. Around her, though, I felt like the nicest guy on earth and suddenly SHE was all I could think of. There wasn't a single selfish thought in my mind.
We did this several times of going outside. It was quite outside. We could sit on a bench and just talk. It was fun, and I enjoyed talking to her. We had so much in common. I found out that she was a big video game player, she babysat her little sisters, she loved her cats. I was so interested in learning more about her, and eventually talking with her in English, at lunch and on the bus became the highlights of my day. Over the course of the next month I sort of... fell in love with her.
But, she had a boyfriend.
Why.
I thought about her almost every minute of the day. I would go out of my way just to make sure she was happy. One day though I asked her if she wanted to hang out after school.
"No, I'm sorry. I'm going to go hang out with my boyfriend."
I died a little on the inside. I couldn't show anything. I had to be rational. "Oh yeah, it's cool. Maybe some other time." I forced a fake smile. I just wanted to break down right there though.
I got home that night and just felt numb. I don't know why, It's not like I had known her my whole life, it was only a few months. Before I fell asleep that night, I prayed that God would help me somehow. Either that I be able to go out with her somehow or for him to help me get over her.
Winter break came and went. January rolled around and on the first day back I spent the majority of my time between classes with her like normal. I walked her to each of her classes every day like normal. Life went on just as it always had, but for some reason, I felt almost as if I were in a prison. I couldn't breath. One night though, when I got home, I prayed for guidance. Then I thought, She's happy Brandon, be happy she is. This thought made me smile again. That was all I wanted essentially was for her to be happy. As long as she was I was.
My feelings for her were growing though. Every day I was learning something new about her. Some cute little quirk, a new reaction she would have to something funny, a new laugh, new information of her personally or her past. She had such a bubble personality and I loved that about her. I actually became somewhat of a smart ass to her just because I thought it was adorable to get her all riled up. She would act offended then say something witty, or if she couldn't think of anything she'd just play the shun game where she would pretend I was too repulsive to even acknowledge. It was all in good fun though. We would go back and forth all the time like this.
I eventually learned her nick name, Bas. I can't remember exactly but I think she got it from one of her favorite anime shows where the character's name was Sebastian. Wherever she got it from, I liked it. It was cute. But then again, what about her did I not think was cute.
One day, we were sitting together at lunch and she had brought, honestly in my opinion, the most repulsive lunch I'd ever seen or smelled. I laughed harshly and asked waht it was. She said it was a tuna patty. Figures, I hate sea food.
"I just thought of a new nick name for you." When I said this I had a huge grin on my face.
"And what is that?"
"TunaBas" I said with a pretentious tone.
She did a second take hard breath of offendence, and I laughed again. "NO!"
"Why not, It's cute."
"I don't like it. It's so dorky."
"exactly," and I grinned again at her. I teased her with the name a few more times. The way she would flip out over it was too precious.
On the bus that afternoon, we were both tired. It had been a long week for both of us. She decided to go to sleep on the bus. Call it weird but I couldn't help but to watch her sleep. It was so precious. She looked like an absolute angel. Every bit of her was flawlessly beautiful. She was beautiful.
I loved her.
It was too much though. I couldn't take the torture anymore...
That night I sent her a text. Call me a coward, call me what you will for texting this to her, but I couldn't bare calling her or talking to her. I couldn't think rationally when I was around her. Text was physically the only thing I could bring myself to do this.
"Harmonee, I'm so sorry to do this. I like you too much, but I feel guilty because you have a boyfriend. I know you're loyal to him and I know you would never do anything to break that loyalty, I respect that. I would never ask you to. But the way I feel about you is too much for me to just ignore anymore. So I have to take some time by myself. I know we're just friends so this probably wont even mean anything to you, but to me, this is probable the hardest thing I can do right now and the most honorable. I am glad you're happy and I hope you stay happy. I'll always be here for you. Please know that. I just need to be alone for a while to let these feelings die down a bit.
Keep in touch bassy."
My fingers couldn't hit send. I dropped my phone and left it.