my forgotten memories
I was automatically knew what I had to do..I went to my mother and started nursing my father and mother kept going back and forth and my father finally smacked his paw at my mother's cheek and he walked out of the nursery as I had no concern for it. Suddenly I heard a bear. My mother gasped as she picked me up and ran away far from the camp she sat me down as I was confused why my mother had left me so suddenly and she ran back the same way we had come as she finally came back with one of my sister's. And I started whining as I had become scared as a mouse. Then a hawk circled over me and my sister and aiming for me the hawk swiftly swooped at me and scratched my stomach but my sister had foolishly tumbled over me just as the hawk nearly scooped me up it got my sister instead I saw my mother next to me a second later holding my brother and she tried pouncing in the air in a attempt to free my poor sister from the hawks sharp talons for she couldn't jump high enough in time. She cried as the hawk carried her away as she whined and I started feeling sadness through my young heart as she ran back in intolerable tears in her eyes as I comforted my dappled bright grey brother with cuddling up to him as my mother brought back my other sister and ran off with all three of us we eventually saw a young Tom leading a patrol as my tooth collared mother pleaded to let them stay. He refused rudely "you and your kits are bloodclan! You are no use or ally to us!" He implied a gorgeous shecat walked up and nudged him assertively to the left "you mousebrain! Those poor kits and their queen are injured! Or they could have been kicked out of their clan or worse!,I am so sorry about that. This one thinks just because he's deputy means he can say who's who! I can't guarantee that Ruststar will let you join but for now we take you as prisoner."I didn't understand what she said or anything. But I heard my striped mother's soft voice say "oh thank you so much!" The shecat introduced herself. "I'm Soundwave this rude Tom who tried to scare you off is Steelheart this is glimmerfur this is glassmouth and this is Diamondear" she said. Steelheart began to bicker "Come! Off with ya in center!" He chased my mom into a circle surrounded by the patrol. She held me and my siblings close. "So what brings ya out here and...what's your name by the way?" Soundwave asked her.
"Our clan has been attacked by a bear...it looked like a brown badger but a ton bigger! And I'm stripe and these kits are Diamond,Shadow and Skinny" my mother smiled. "Oh! They look adorable! Shadow looks just like you!" She said. My mother smiled at her then Steelheart growled as my mother dropped her tail and ears in shame "Your lucky Soundwave has gotten me in a good mood lately! If it weren't for her you would be crow food!" Suddenly my mother lashed when she saw him soon enough give me a harsh look "Look steelheart! I don't care if your a deputy,a very strong cat,leader or whatever! I have tried to admit your dominance over me and my kits shamefully and I WILL put you in proper shape if I have to!" Steelheart secretly scared and lost his confidence disguises his fear with a grim look towards my protective mother as he slowly got back in a perfect circle I looked in front of me to see a faint glimpse of a territory it smelled different from my birth home I smelled a fat fresh plump vole even though I wasn't able to grind it down my throat yet I still wanted my watering mouth to get a first taste of at least a bit of vole. My sister and brother seemed uninterested by our surroundings I just wanted to sleep...I was exhausted from the stress...all the new things...it was exhausting though my mother looked...unhappy not even content or happy that we at least got a place to stay.my mother walked into the nursery and sat for a moment as she licked my sister's head grooming us I was looking at the queens surrounding us with their kits eyeing my mother seeming to be uncomfortable with my bloodclan mother in their den they were fine with us. The only thing they disliked about me and my siblings were the fact that we had bloodclan scent and smelled like a hint of skunks flank. Slowly after my mother had looked to see a large brown Tom come up to us "greetings bloodclan cats. I am Ruststar of Forestclan." My mother politely dipped her head. The rest was inaudible except for a few words. "No! You can't take me away from my kits!" My mother hissed "besides just because we are bloodclan doesn't mean you need to harm us!" She hissed again. "The kits are fine. But you are tainted of Bloodclan. Your kits are in no shape to travel and we aren't going to. Let them rot away with you...we need to let you go. But the kits stay with us." Ruststar calmly retorted to her. "Not unless I have something to say about it!" A Gray cat emerged from the shadows of the trees he smelled familiar and weared a collar of bones like my mother had. Ruststar glared upwards to the Tom that seemed to be a leader "Tear! You shouldn't be here! Your on forestclan territory! And it's especially dangerous to be out here without a warrior escort!" Ruststar once again stated "Stripe belongs to Bloodclan! So do her kits then too besides those are the kits of our strongest warrior, Dark! And their mother ranks second best! If you take her or the kits your 1 technically stealing our cats as forceful imprisonment and 2 your breaking the warrior code right now! Besides if we don't have those kits bloodclan won't have many more strong cats left! Dark just died defending our clan from the bear and his kin are all we have left! They carry his blood! His skill,his inner inferno! Right inside them!" He ordered to Ruststar. "You can take stream to make more "strong kits" but if you only care about these kits for their heritage then you have no right to keep them!" Ruststar carefully nudged the kits towards himself in case tear intends to pull a sly trick of his "very well. We fight for the custody of the kits! Bloodclan vs forestclan tomorrow! Whoever wins takes darks kits."Ruststar nodded angrily at Tear as he and Stream left.
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Also: I think you have something called a 'snake in your sentences'. Most of your sentences are very long, without a lot of puncuation! Try to break them down into smaller parts for a more dramatic effect See More on your reader.
I touched on this in the others: The main problem is your punctuation. I don't really understand what is going on? You lost me at 'BloodClan', sorry!
Otherwise, good job :)
???/5 stars!
Holy s*it you missed a comma! Call the ambulance I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown! And you missed a capital letter I have to dial 9-9-9. Help meeeee!