Lonely Darkness

Puppets on a string

The pain comes and it goes,
Toying with you like a puppet on a string,
You get good days and you get bad ones,
Then you get worse ones,
When you are hovering over the bottom,
It lets you go,
Lets you try and pull yourself up,
Crawl slowly towards the light,
But as soon as you get close,
As soon as you think you are happy,
As soon as you think things are going well,
As soon as you think maybe the worst is over,
It will come back again,
Harder than before,
Stronger, dragging you down,
Into the depths of the hole you have dug for yourself,
To hide your pain from the world,
You had let people in,
Told them how you felt,
Until it got worse,
They started worrying,
And you couldn't put up with it,
The way they tried to help,
Tried to comfort you and tell you it would be alright,
When you knew it wouldn't
It was all too much of an effort,
You had to make it look convincing,
Like they were helping and you were getting there,
You had to make the smile look real,
So you pushed them all away,
Lied to them to make them forget,
Make them think you had fought it off,
Smiling for them and their friends so you wouldn't appear weak,
You couldn't let them see you cry,
You were the strong one,
You couldn't do this to them,
Too many had been before,
Some had won,
Some had lost,
Nobody forgot,
But you were different right?
You were stronger,
You wouldn't go there,
Perhaps that was the reason why,
Why they weren't serious when they spoke to you,
Thinking you were pretending,
Believing their struggles were worse,
Perhaps they were,
You didn't know,
Each has their own personal battle,
You didn't mind though,
You didn't want their pity,
Or their pretence of caring because they were your friends,
When really they had better things to do,
And other things to worry about,
You didn't need a babysitter,
You didn't need someone to fight it for you,
Just someone to stand by and catch you if you fell,
It was better if you were alone though,
If they all still thought you were the strong one,
The one they could rely on to always be there,
But at night, when all had gone to bed,
You would toss and turn until your tears rocked you to sleep,
Holding in the pain for the sake of others,
Then falling apart when all are gone and you are alone,
Letting the darkness come,
Having lost the ability and the strength to fight it off,
I am all alone,
It is the middle of the night,
Terrors came and left me breathless,
Scared and alone,
Why won't it end?
Why won't it go away?
I can't fight every second of the day,
Maybe I am too good at lying,
Hiding my battles and my scars,
Or maybe people really don't care anymore,
I am a liability,
But I am a fighter,
Don't you worry,
Thats what i say to them,
Maybe I am trying to convince myself as much as them,
But honestly I think,
I am hoping that if they stop worrying,
If they stop thinking about me,
If they believe I am fine,
They wont miss me so much when I am gone,
If I don't make it out of this,
But I know I will,
That's what I keep telling myself,
That's what I keep praying,
I will come out stronger,
I will find joy again,
I just wish I could see that now,
Because right now all I see,
Is loneliness in this infinite darkness...