The Life of A F*ck up

1:18 am

i don’t know if writing this is helpful or not because i’ve been happy today, for the first time in weeks i could breathe easily and simply live.
that’s the problem tho, it all comes in waves crashing down on me one second i’m drowning and the next i’m surfing enjoying the warm breeze on my skin. i know that the warmth will eventually be too much and i’ll be sunburnt washed up on shore longing for when my body didn’t ache.
i go to the water for comfort but it consumes me.
my cold body shakes and i want warmth more than anything even if it means burning. i eventually adapt and my body becomes so cold it’s numb i can’t feel anything. i long for pain, anything to make me feel alive. these metaphors probably don’t make any sense, but neither does the fact i’m forcing myself to stay awake even tho i’m exhausted. i’m tired of drowning, burning, freezing but also feeling nothing