The First Night
The first night is always the hardest. I can never stop thinking about their expressions, the terrible thoughts that must be running through their minds. Often I would just sit at my small desk and watch the e-mails roll in. I read every single one but I hardly ever responded. Usually they were questions or more likely angry hate notes. I knew I shouldn't read them but I could never stop myself. I looked to my arm. There were eight wispy lines nearly invisible to those who weren't looking for them. I shook a little as I picked up the pearly blade. I turned it over in my hands. I remembered seeing the thin knife in a store window and I was eerily drawn to it. Now this knife resembled all I hated about myself. I pressed the cool blade against my skin. Slowly a thin line of blood prickled to the surface of my skin. No tears came to my eyes, I had done this 8 times before. It represented the people I had killed. 9. 9 straight white lines marked my forearm now. Shaking a little, I ran through every e-mail before deleting them. I cleared my drawers and desk of everything. I called it the Clean Slate Process and I had done it every time before but it never got easier. I threw out my phone, cleared my computer, threw out all papers related to them, and I was left with blank everything. I fell back into my rolling chair and a sob choked me. Bing. The noise resounded through my empty office. I looked through blurred eyes and saw a new e-mail. It was from Marie. It had two simple words in it. Two words that broke my heart. Thank you. Now the tears started to trickle out of my eyes. Without thinking I deleted it, deleted my account, and shut down my computer. It was time I was done with them. It was over and I would never see them again. I got up and walked to my dark room. I crawled under my covers and closed my eyes.
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